Attachment Parenting IS

Attachment parenting is....

Following the breastfeeding challenge from Motherwise on Facebook, I thought I would enter in the same search criteria for AP, typing in "Attachment Parenting is" and waiting to see what pops up. I still felt annoyed even though I shouldn't be surprised. Should I?

What about AP is crazy? The lifestyle dedicated to being responsive to your child's needs? Which part exactly is bad? Do we even use words like that anymore? Bad? A crock?

Part of my problem is that there is not an understanding of AP..there is only a misconception of this style of parenting. My guess would be that they think that every parent that practices AP sleeps with their kids, breastfeeds and gets walked all over.

HOW VERY WRONG and how very sad. I realize that the majority of society is resistant to any idea that differs from what they are used to. I get that. So what can we "APers" do to promote our parenting choices. Educate. Lead by example.

By leading by example, I mean resisting the urge to tell someone off and practicing gentle discipline behaviors.

I found an article on the Village Voice that you can see in the google search above: The Problem With Attachment Parenting. I couldn't actually type the first part of the sentence because it is so awful...but you can read it for yourself, if you can stomach it. I do think, as ignorant and insane as it is...it is a good example of what the rest of society perceives of Attachment Parenting...so I am going to try to take out the "examples" or "differences" in our philosophy and perception...gulp...here goes...

"...even though we go through the same routine every morning and I know he knows he's going to get fed just as soon as the routine is finished, every morning he screams at me pretty much until the first bite of food goes in his mouth.

That baby is a real prick..." Jef Otte

This is going to be repeated throughout this post:  

Research shows that without a secure motherly attachment, children's bodies activate a stress reaction to unexpected events.

So let's talk about delaying that feeding in the effort of making sure routines are established...the baby is stressed out...the cortisol levels rise, the baby is confused as to why he or she is not being responded to, the biological nature of the baby is violated...chaos..What else is happening here? The parental instinct to respond to the crying infant is to help the baby stop crying or cope with their feeling...but the author "needs" to complete his routine despite what the baby "needs". Is the response to this plea met with love and affection? Probably not, based on the last sentence about the baby...as if the baby is intentionally trying to disrupt the father's routine and ability to pour his morning coffee. The baby is expecting to have his need taken care of and is not only being ignored, but most likely ignored, shushed, put down or left alone. I see two messages being sent to the baby: "1) You are not communicating to me that you need to eat. Cry harder. 2) Deal with this on your own. You will be able to figure it out. " I am pretty sure we already know the answer to this.

This is a HUGE perception in the American culture. I have heard countless times, "Let her cry a little bit. You don't want to teach her that you will respond to her every call", "She needs to learn" etc.. She needs to learn that I am here to meet her needs and gently teach her. This isn't a sink or swim, survival of the fittest type of home. This is a supportive home and one that follows the AP principle of feeding with love and respect. I would much rather send the message "I understand that you are hungry and don't understand what the feeling is, but I am here to help you". Pouring that cup of coffee can be done at the same time..in fact it can be done in between the first few bites.

The Dangers of Baby Training

One of the principles of AP is to help gently teach our children coping skills, something that so many adults do not have. Something that is clear in the article we are discussing as he clearly stated: "...daddy needs to make some coffee before he loses his shit..." Coping skills at it's finest...or someone repeating the cycle of parenting gone awry? 

Let's move past the first paragraph as there is plenty more to talk about.

The author continues on comparing his children and poking fun at his youngest...calling him many many names. While I understand that it's mostly sarcastic AND recognizing that I am a very sarcastic person in nature...I think there is some valid truth in what he is saying...We need to, as a whole, watch our language.

The Dangers of Baby Training

We need to watch what we say and watch how we are perceiving our children.

Look at perception. If you perceive that someone is going to be rude to you, how do you react to them? If you think someone is going to rip you off, what do you do? If you see the good in someone, how to you treat them? If you treat a child as if they are manipulative, rude, selfish, or bad, what message to they get from your perception? We need to watch our language when it comes to our children, but most importantly we need to watch our perception of our children's behavior/intention. Is the baby screaming because he doesn't want you to have your coffee or because he is hungry from sleeping 8-12 hours at night? Your need to that cup of coffee is just as strong as his need for food. See how your behavior will be directly related to your perception?

Moving on....

"...The baby, it's evident, has got the evilness in him: a natural-born willful bastard with a generous naughty streak and a mission that occupies his every waking second to do the thing he senses you least want him to do. Which sort of makes me love him even more, because I've got a soft spot for willful-ass little kids. And the fact is, even with the propensity for evil, he's still a sweet little guy who smiles at strangers, responds well to "no" (he might ignore it, but he won't flip out about it), sleeps fifteen hours a day without complaint and, except for right after he wakes up, seldom cries.

So if this innately dastardly baby is, even in spite of his innate dastardliness, such a pleasure to be around, then why are the babies and even the kids of so many of my cohorts (I think we all know at least a couple of these) such belligerent, unmanageable, anxiety-ridden little fascists? The answer, I strongly suspect, has a lot to do with "attachment parenting," a phenomenon so baffling and ass-backwards it defies logic, but which nevertheless provides the philosophical bedrock of every self-named "mommy club" you know..." Babies Are Assholes: The Problem With Attachment Parenting

Ok, let's see here..." belligerent, unmanageable, anxiety-ridden little fascists" would be what I think the author perceives as children being raised by the principles of Attachment Parenting, however, my guess would be that this is not the case. Children raised in environments that respect them, follow their lead and gently nurture them have been found to be confident and independent individuals. 

Ok let's keep diving into this "educated" piece of journalism

"...Basically, then, attachment parenting hinges on the presumption that if, through perpetual satisfaction of their every desire, we prevent our babies from crying -- and indeed, perpetual satisfaction of their every desire is the only way to prevent a baby from crying -- they will grow to become well-adjusted. And right there, right off the bat, it's a contradiction in terms....

Because babies are assholes. They're demanding, they're utterly self-centered, they have no empathy and they shriek horrible, horrible shrieks when they don't get what they want. And that's okay, because they're babies. They're adorable and they don't know any better..." Babies Are Asshole. The Problem With Attachment Parenting

There is more in the article and you can check it out for yourself, consider yourself warned though. I have a few theories about this. I do think that he is not as informed as he should be when talking about Attachment Parenting, however I do think that there is a difference between someone bedsharing or co-sleeping and someone practicing AP. What I can say, is from my own experiences. The article criticizes the practice of babywearing and feeding on demand as ways that inhibit the baby from adjusting to the societal expectations of our culture and preventing the baby from growing up.

Babies need their mothers. Plain and simple. They need the attachment of their immediate family! Why early attachment matters!!

I can honestly say that I did a lot of research into Attachment Parenting philosophy, evolutionary and natural parenting via several books mentioned earlier in the blog and several informative blogs: Evolutionary Parenting, Natural Child Project, and Attachment Parenting International. I read, I think and I explore. I was happy to find something that clicked and made sense with me, with my husband and most importantly for our daughter. I hope that everyone does the same prior to calling themselves Attachment Parents.

Anyway, we feed on demand, we both babywear, we bedshare, we practice positive discipline, we practice AP and I can tell you. We have more people commenting on how well our child behaves, howe confident she is and how adjusted she is. The theory that isn't reflected appropriately in the above quotes article, is the notion that babies are hard-wired from thousands and thousands of years of evolution. Our culture is really only a post-world-warII culture that has significantly shifted in child rearing practices. While the child "adjusts" and "assimilates", if that is what you want for your child, it is a very scary and different world from what the baby is expecting. When I say "expecting", I do not intend for it to sound like the baby is waiting for it, more so the baby is genetically hard-wired for it. You can choose to throw your child in the pool to see if he or she will swim, or gently nurture and respond to the child in a way that he or she will discover and learn to swim in his or her time....those will be the swimmers!

The Dangers in Baby Training

Help do your part, by promoting education and awareness of this parenting practice, especially on the heels of the new post from TLC that they will be airing an "Extreme Parenting" show. We need to be ready to inform the misinformed, for the sake of our children!