"Respect gives a positive feeling of esteem or deference for a person or other entity (such as a nation or a religion), and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem. Respect can be a specific feeling of regard for the actual qualities of the one respected (e.g., "I have great respect for her judgment")"
Wikipedia
Feeding with love and respect implies that you are feeding your child with love and respect for them...something all parents will argue that they do, but most forget to do. Feeding is physiologically the first opportunity to bond and recreate the in-utero experiences that the baby had. Remembering that feeding is not an inconvenience, but an opportunity to bond and solidify your attachment role is crucial to your relationship.
The purpose of Attachment Parenting is not to get into the breast or formula debate, not the breast or bottle debate. The purpose of AP is to get into the feeding with respect and love debate...to eliminate the "hassle" of feeding and promote the bonding. This is perhaps one of the biggest issues in the "Mommy Wars". That is not what this blog post is about. We will have a separate post about breastfeeding to support parents that breastfeed. Let's support each other to do what is best for our families.
Scheduled Feedings
We talk about the phrase "on demand" meaning, "when the baby or child is asking to be fed". The perception we can help shift is the difference between "demanding" as in the cultural view of a "spoiled brat" and the demanding or communication of a basic need. Remember, we are working on shifting perception. Moving away from the culture and back to the nature of the infant.
Think about "convenience" in the way many people approach feeding. Eliminate it. Wipe it away. Think about what is truly happening. Your child is telling you that he or she is hungry. That is it. Plain and simple. "MOM, I really need it!". This is a simple biological need and the infant expects to be fed as soon as possible. This isn't because the baby is impatient and rude. It has nothing to do with your meal you were about to it, that show you just turned on or whether or not you were settled into bed. This has nothing to do with you personally...it is a need that needs to be met....and who else is supposed to do it? Keep in mind the genetic expectation of this behavior...generations upon generations upon generations have indicated hunger and were fed. Delaying it, scheduling it or acting like it is not a big deal violates the nature of the child. This causes distress. It isn't the inability of a selfish baby...it isn't even the baby being rude. It is something that goes against the nature of what the baby has been created for.
The problem with convenience in our culture is that it alters our perception of what we are meant to do. Our mindset becomes "do what is convenient". "It's NOT convenient for me to feed you right now". "It's NOT convenient for you to cry right now!". "It's not TIME for you to eat right now!", "You need to eat right now because this works for my schedule", "This doesn't work well with what I am doing...you can wait", or even "I have to wait when I am hungry...you can too".
Feeding with love and respect sends the message that you understand them. You hear them. It might be hard. It might be frustrating, but think of those times when you yourself were beyond hungry that you were cranky. You need to eat. You most likely inform someone near you or you take it upon yourself to get something. Problem solved. It's the same thing!
Think of the times that you ate and were still hungry...or wanted to snack...start to peel away the "convenience" piece and recognize the baby for who he or she is...a person...with wants and needs. You will see it differently.
The other component to feeding on demand is that it lessens the risk of obesity as the child learns, early on, to self regulate their food intake. Babies are born with the innate ability to recognize when they are full and when they want food. Research has recommended that parents feed their child on demand so the child can determine how often and when they should eat. Here is a podcast from the CDC about breastfeeding and the risk of obesity. Remember, if you bottle feed or formula feed, there are ways to encourage the same behaviors by watching the amount and frequency which you feed your child.
The only difference that we need to remember when comparing breastfeeding to bottle feeding is "ounces". A nursing mother will not know how many ounces of milk her child has consumed. This is an important piece when discussing amount, overfeeding and feeding on demand as far as behaviors are concerned. Attachment Parenting International recommends that if a family is not able to breastfeed, they should follow as close to breastfeeding behaviors as possible, given that this is what the infant is "wired for". When nursing, the baby will signal when he or she wants to be fed and when he or she is finished. The infant signals this relationship for more or less and determines the frequency. This is crucial when bottle feeding as many people, with good intentions, try to encourage the baby to "finish" what is in the bottle. Think of the implications, even with good intentions, and this link to the obesity epidemic.
Position
Familiarize yourself with breastfeeding behaviors. You can follow these cues when nursing, "bottle nursing" or bottle feeding:
Bottle propping, or any other devices designed for "hands off" feeding do not promote the skin to skin to contact that helps support attachment and bonding. Think about the ways this shifts the natural bonding experience towards the disconnect that occurs in our culture.
API recommends that parents consider pacifier use the same as breastfeeding.
One component noted in "Attached at the Heart" is the use of pacifiers. The authors recommend using the pacifier in a fashion similar to nursing behaviors. That could include holding them your arms while providing that comfort and security.
Solid Foods
Scheduled Feedings
We talk about the phrase "on demand" meaning, "when the baby or child is asking to be fed". The perception we can help shift is the difference between "demanding" as in the cultural view of a "spoiled brat" and the demanding or communication of a basic need. Remember, we are working on shifting perception. Moving away from the culture and back to the nature of the infant.
Think about "convenience" in the way many people approach feeding. Eliminate it. Wipe it away. Think about what is truly happening. Your child is telling you that he or she is hungry. That is it. Plain and simple. "MOM, I really need it!". This is a simple biological need and the infant expects to be fed as soon as possible. This isn't because the baby is impatient and rude. It has nothing to do with your meal you were about to it, that show you just turned on or whether or not you were settled into bed. This has nothing to do with you personally...it is a need that needs to be met....and who else is supposed to do it? Keep in mind the genetic expectation of this behavior...generations upon generations upon generations have indicated hunger and were fed. Delaying it, scheduling it or acting like it is not a big deal violates the nature of the child. This causes distress. It isn't the inability of a selfish baby...it isn't even the baby being rude. It is something that goes against the nature of what the baby has been created for.
The problem with convenience in our culture is that it alters our perception of what we are meant to do. Our mindset becomes "do what is convenient". "It's NOT convenient for me to feed you right now". "It's NOT convenient for you to cry right now!". "It's not TIME for you to eat right now!", "You need to eat right now because this works for my schedule", "This doesn't work well with what I am doing...you can wait", or even "I have to wait when I am hungry...you can too".
Feeding with love and respect sends the message that you understand them. You hear them. It might be hard. It might be frustrating, but think of those times when you yourself were beyond hungry that you were cranky. You need to eat. You most likely inform someone near you or you take it upon yourself to get something. Problem solved. It's the same thing!
Think of the times that you ate and were still hungry...or wanted to snack...start to peel away the "convenience" piece and recognize the baby for who he or she is...a person...with wants and needs. You will see it differently.
The other component to feeding on demand is that it lessens the risk of obesity as the child learns, early on, to self regulate their food intake. Babies are born with the innate ability to recognize when they are full and when they want food. Research has recommended that parents feed their child on demand so the child can determine how often and when they should eat. Here is a podcast from the CDC about breastfeeding and the risk of obesity. Remember, if you bottle feed or formula feed, there are ways to encourage the same behaviors by watching the amount and frequency which you feed your child.
The only difference that we need to remember when comparing breastfeeding to bottle feeding is "ounces". A nursing mother will not know how many ounces of milk her child has consumed. This is an important piece when discussing amount, overfeeding and feeding on demand as far as behaviors are concerned. Attachment Parenting International recommends that if a family is not able to breastfeed, they should follow as close to breastfeeding behaviors as possible, given that this is what the infant is "wired for". When nursing, the baby will signal when he or she wants to be fed and when he or she is finished. The infant signals this relationship for more or less and determines the frequency. This is crucial when bottle feeding as many people, with good intentions, try to encourage the baby to "finish" what is in the bottle. Think of the implications, even with good intentions, and this link to the obesity epidemic.
Position
Familiarize yourself with breastfeeding behaviors. You can follow these cues when nursing, "bottle nursing" or bottle feeding:
- Feed on cue as mentioned above.
- Make eye contact with your child.
- Speak to and attend to your baby or child. This is an amazing time for bonding. Cherish it.
- Switch sides that you hold them during feeding. This provides them with a unique sensory experience and helps in decreasing plagiocephaly and/or torticollis.
The world makes sense to your child when their needs are being met in a loving and respectful way. The more we foster this relationship the more our children will attach or imprint to us. This bond will be crucial to your relationship. When the baby is near you, he or she is greeted with a sensory overload of your smell, warmth, voice etc... Remember this! Respect this experience! The WHO provides an informative fact sheet regarding feeding behaviors.
"...This sensitivity fosters a sense of trust. The baby trusts that his signals are being understood, and the mother learns to trust her own ability.... A healthy, happy baby develops secure attachments with his caregivers because he more easily reciprocates the loving, smiling behaviors that he receives" (Attached at The Heart. Nicholson and Parker)
Bottle propping, or any other devices designed for "hands off" feeding do not promote the skin to skin to contact that helps support attachment and bonding. Think about the ways this shifts the natural bonding experience towards the disconnect that occurs in our culture.
API recommends that parents consider pacifier use the same as breastfeeding.
One component noted in "Attached at the Heart" is the use of pacifiers. The authors recommend using the pacifier in a fashion similar to nursing behaviors. That could include holding them your arms while providing that comfort and security.
Solid Foods
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends gentle weaning, exclusively breastfeeding or formula feeding for the first six months of age with gradual introduction to solid foods. Many health professionals advice parents to wait until the baby does not exhibit a strong "tongue thrust" position and is able to grab food with a pincer grasp (e.g. food between the index finger and thumb). Check out the AAP recommendations for weaning from breastfeeding and the recommendations for weaning from a bottle.
A parent or caregiver is able to promote a healthy attachment by following their child's lead and initiating solids when the baby signals that he or she is ready for the food versus the caregiver deciding that it is time. Think about what we have already discussed, in terms of self regulation and the impact on feeding and obesity. The baby will signal that he or she is ready by an overall interest in your food, grabbing at your plate, grabbing for food and bringing it to her mouth, refusing or pushing away a spoon (if you chose to spoon-feed), etc...
Know that there are different methodologies with feeding. There is a style of spoon-feeding puree'd foods and then there is baby-led-weaning (BLW), which encourages parents to introduce whole pieces of foods instead of puree's. Baby Led Weaning research project concluded that "weaning style does have an impact on food preferences and health in early childhood. The results suggest that infants weaned through the baby-led method learned to regulate their food intake in a way which leads to a lower BMI and a preference for healthy foods..." For more information and a good book to read, check out Baby Led Weaning .
Your role with food will be to introduce and maintain a healthy lifestyle with good choices. Keep mealtimes relaxed and together. Eat together as a family, talk together as a family. Try to remember the concept of respect and love when approaching feeding and any behaviors that come with it. Try not to "force" feeding as in "finish everything on your plate" for your toddler who is learning how to regulate their own hunger...instead offer smaller meals and healthy snacks throughout the day. Eating should be fun and relaxed and your child should feel that his or her needs are being met and respected.Remember, your child is learning about tastes, smells, textures, consistency etc... they are learning and exploring and it is OK to play with your food!!
A parent or caregiver is able to promote a healthy attachment by following their child's lead and initiating solids when the baby signals that he or she is ready for the food versus the caregiver deciding that it is time. Think about what we have already discussed, in terms of self regulation and the impact on feeding and obesity. The baby will signal that he or she is ready by an overall interest in your food, grabbing at your plate, grabbing for food and bringing it to her mouth, refusing or pushing away a spoon (if you chose to spoon-feed), etc...
Know that there are different methodologies with feeding. There is a style of spoon-feeding puree'd foods and then there is baby-led-weaning (BLW), which encourages parents to introduce whole pieces of foods instead of puree's. Baby Led Weaning research project concluded that "weaning style does have an impact on food preferences and health in early childhood. The results suggest that infants weaned through the baby-led method learned to regulate their food intake in a way which leads to a lower BMI and a preference for healthy foods..." For more information and a good book to read, check out Baby Led Weaning .
Your role with food will be to introduce and maintain a healthy lifestyle with good choices. Keep mealtimes relaxed and together. Eat together as a family, talk together as a family. Try to remember the concept of respect and love when approaching feeding and any behaviors that come with it. Try not to "force" feeding as in "finish everything on your plate" for your toddler who is learning how to regulate their own hunger...instead offer smaller meals and healthy snacks throughout the day. Eating should be fun and relaxed and your child should feel that his or her needs are being met and respected.Remember, your child is learning about tastes, smells, textures, consistency etc... they are learning and exploring and it is OK to play with your food!!
The bottom line:
When we feed with love and respect we teach our children love and respect.
When we feed with love and respect we teach our children love and respect.
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