AP Principle 3: Responding with Sensitivity: Learning the Language of Love

While many people believe that you need to co-sleep/bedshare and breastfeed to practice Attachment Parenting, it just is not true! This principle, responding with sensitivity, is believed to be the most important and crucial part of AP....and why wouldn't it be? Sensitivity, something we as a culture, freely give to strangers, dogs, cats, but don't seem to expect the same treatment for our children...hmmm..something is amiss here!

"Sensitive responsiveness implies the ability to set aside one's own needs for the need's of the baby; it presupposes a change in consciousness of the parents and the capacity to feel empathy" (Nicholson and Parker)


Think of interactions you have been in with people. How often do you put your own needs after meeting the needs of another person? How often do you try to do this with your child, but are told that it spoils them?

Our babies are born with the expectation that their needs will be met and when we meet them, we start to teach them trust. Once they learn to trust us they will learn to communicate their needs effectively. As a newborn, this will be hand sucking, rooting etc.. If we meet those needs, prior to them becoming upset, they learn HUGE lessons. Empathy. Trust. Communication.

One really powerful point in Attached at the Heart, was an awesome quote that includes:

"I want to understand how you feel....

We're in this together...

I see myself in you...

I am not afraid of your feelings...

I accept you in all of your expressions...

I do not reject you when you are not reflecting back what I wish or need."
(Parker and Hanessian)

That is what did it for me:

From Attached at The Heart

I can tell you that this is something that is very hard for many people...and I try to remember this little sentence always. I usually start to feel frustrated when her crying is inconvenient for me. That's when I check it and change the way I am feeling...convenient for me!? Throw that tantrum baby girl! "I am comfortable with how you are feeling and will help you through this" is way more powerful than "knock it off", "stop",  or even recently overheard "man up!". Once we approach our children with empathy we will see someone not trying to manipulate us, but someone needing help coping and someone who is learning. This isn't personal about you, it's personal for them!

Once you think about it being personal for them you remove your judgment. How many times was something a big deal for you? It made you legitimately sad/mad/frustrated and you needed someone else to work you through it...or you needed time to think about it and come to a certain conclusion? Why wouldn't life be the same for a child? We realize that dropping a toy, having something break or not being able to turn a toy on is not life altering, but by being empathetic, we can see why it might be for our children...that's the point!! Seeing it from their side and treating them as such...not saying "get over it", "relax it's not a big deal" etc..think of someone saying that to you over your big deal...it makes you more upset! Giving your child the words that he or she may need to get through it helps tremendously. "I am mad", "I am upset", "I am frustrated with this toy!" "Why won't it go on!" helps your child learn how to express their feelings, but most importantly, that you accept them in their emotion...that's what they truly need!

Our children need us the most when they are experiencing something confusing or different. This isn't to say that we give in to their needs, it's that we see it from their perspective and respond accordingly. Remember, it's the perception that drives our interactions from "don't be silly" to "I see why this is making you upset...let me help you with these feelings." Totally different reaction~

This is why nighttime needs are equally important as daytime needs. Think of a world that is dark, lonely and confusing. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and found that you couldn't go back to sleep? You were able to grab a book, turn on the TV or find another way to fall back asleep. Our children need us! We will get into sleep and behaviors when we examine the AP principle for safe sleep. For now, we will only briefly talk about it as a means of being responsive to your child's needs. Imagine a relationship that wouldn't be there for you between the hours of 9pm and 6am, but you really needed that person because you weren't able to take care of yourself. Scary right! New research has found that crying it out is damaging to an infant's brain.

It's not just about responding to their needs, it's also about being available, being warm, being calm and interactive. This is not as easy as it used to be when you have Facebook, emails, text messaging, etc.. readily accessible and it's something we are all guilty of doing. The important thing is to find that balance. Put it down. Try to wait until the baby is napping. Make sure you are providing ample opportunities for interaction and play, especially as your little one makes eye contact with you. As you do this, he or she will learn to chat back and value you as someone that will take care of them, make time for them and respond to their invitation to interact. (This post took me a week to write simply because my girl wasn't napping and she wanted to play...and so did I!)

Research has shown that the facial expressions and voice of a nurturing mother has a direct impact on the developing brain of an infant and directly impacts the first 3 years of life!

Teaching empathy in your children is crucial for them to learn how to make decisions that will not hurt themselves or others AND will keep them away from making decisions based on peer pressure. Gordon Neufield has an amazing book, Hold on To Your Kids, that examines this very phenomena.

So, what do I do?

1) Let's first do away with the idea of "self soothing", as a skill that our child is to learn on their own by being left alone. Strike that from the memory banks and ignore that when you are told by well meaning family members. Infants and babies do not know how to self soothe. They are born totally and completely dependent on you. Dr. David Sack writes, "Studies show that children have a greater capacity for empathy when their own emotional needs are met at home" and provides a few examples on teaching and raising your kids to be empathetic, including using words to label feelings, modeling empathy

Attachment theory is driven by the notion that a baby will learn by the way he or she is treated. When they need you, you respond. Your response to that need will start to create an understanding and your child will start to learn from you and your response to them. That is, if your response is anger when they feel frustrated they will learn to cope with anger...if your response is understanding, then they will learn how to cope with understanding.

Let's look at this example:
A thunderstorm rolls in and is loud. Lightening is striking, wind is picking up and you are starting to worry about the lights going out. You look over and your toddler is looking out of the window, pointing and looking at you. What is she doing? She is trying to learn and figure out if she is ok and how she should handle this situation. Lightening strikes and you scream, your toddler will be following suite. If you try to calm down and talk to her about what she is seeing, she will be calm, she may want to be picked up and held...this closeness will help her feel safe, your words and tone of voice will teach her.

Another one?

You are tired and worked all day long. You pick your child up from daycare and rush to the food store to get food for dinner. Your child is grabbing food items off of the shelves and you put him in the cart swiftly while you continue shopping...maybe answering a few texts while you wait in line. Your child pitches a "fit". Crying, yelling, throwing something in his hand. Your reaction? You can meet him with your immediate emotional response of frustration, often saying something like "stop it right now or we are leaving", yet you can think about his perspective. Empathy. He missed you all day. When you picked him up he was hoping to go home and play a game with you, but you were in a hurry. He wanted to interact with you but you were busy in the store, distracted and distant. He is hungry and bored. Your understanding of how he feels can drive your reaction. So you can meet him there. "I know you are tired and want to go home. You feel frustrated....". You aren't giving him candy to keep him quiet, your showing him that you are almost done, maybe coming up with a game to help keep him involved -> "You want to go home? Ok, let's get all of these things on the belt so we can get going!".

Check out 20 ways to cope with toddler tantrums for some helpful ideas with tantrums.

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2) The other notion that needs to be erased from memory is this notion of "spoiling". You cannot spoil a child with love and attention. You can spoil a child with material things, with inappropriate responses with trying to appease a tantrum.

There is a cultural fear of a child being too spoiled, meaning that he will be clingy or will need you too much. Clingy is a behavior that a child uses in order to express a need for closeness to you. If a child is provided with ample opportunities for closeness, they will not have the need to cling to you. However, there are developmentally appropriate times that a child should look to you for physical comfort. Perhaps your child is sick. Maybe you are in an unfamiliar place, it's loud or very crowded and your child feels overwhelmed. The fact that your child needs you too much is true! Your child does need you! Their emotional regulating systems are not mature until they are older and some sources say this only begins to develop around 2 years and continues developing until the 6th year.

Bottom line, hold your children. Hold them when they are happy, sad, mad, frustrated, hurt...hold them when they come to you...whenever they come to you. Recognize that they are coming to YOU!

3) While on the topic of "spoiling" and "self soothing"...my last pet peeve word is the word "fussy". This word rubs me the wrong way! It implies something negative or something is wrong. It immediately makes you view the baby as being a "high needs" baby. There are "high needs" babies, they are all high needs in their own way, but a baby that needs more attention should get just that...more attention. More love, more snuggling.  Colic, reflux, these are very stressful and very trying for parents, imagine how the baby feels? They came from a perfectly regulated and consistent environment as far as sound, light, temperature, touch, with constant nutrition. They entered a very different world and our babies need time to figure it out.

Think of the message you send when you do not respond to your child's needs, especially when they need you the most! If you have a child that has exceptionally high needs and you are feeling overwhelmed, please seek help from your family or friends. Those are real emotions you are feeling and you must pay close attention to them!

4) In the meantime, while you are continuing to be empathetic, check out Dr. Markham's post about helping your child WANT to cooperate by setting limits.

Dr. Markham discusses this idea of a child feeling unconnected to their parent during an act of defiance, this should be signaled as a need for connection not discipline..meaning that when your child directly acts out against you, they are not feeling connected to you...You can choose to drive that connection further away with punishment or try to help sort through some difficult emotions.

Familiarize yourself with the 22 alternatives to punishment and the long-term effects of strict parenting can have.

Do not..spank your child. Don't do it. Violence begets violence. We need to do our part to teach our children how to solve a problem or  conflict peacefully, not through any act of violence. 

Punishment, shaming, spanking, time-outs are all methods of disciplining a child negatively with the hope that you can make the child act or behave during adult-preferred activities. This usually doesn't last long and often requires frequent punishments, threats and consequences. Relationships do not thrive in this manner. They can't. The decisions that a child should make should be for that of himself and should be driven by himself. Check out this article on parenting for peace using nonviolent communication for more ideas!

One great idea was the concept of the time-in. You recognize that your child is struggling and you gently guide them towards a more positive goal. Your child continues to struggle and you call a time-in or a meeting on the couch. "I can see you are having a hard time. Let's go meet on the couch and talk". Sitting on the couch together or calling a time-in ensures physical contact and sends the message that you are going to help your child sort through some tough and confusing emotions. Here is API's improved timeout as a positive strategy. You can start to see the difference in your language and approach and how it impacts your child's ability to handle their emotions.


5) The parenting practice of pressuring your child bothers me to my core. Parents, in their best efforts, resort to pressuring their child to comply. Just a word of caution with this style of parenting that uses bribes, incentives and pressure...think about what you are teaching your child. Think about the ways your child is learning to set aside their independent feelings and feeling compelled to fulfill your needs for some sort of incentive. Now think about that skill in high school, with a peer using peer pressure...doesn't make for a very good start. Respect what your child is telling you. Mayim Bialik talks about this at length in her book, Beyond the Sling, and discusses thinking "Why not?" before responding "no".  Think about it, most of the time, unless it is a safety issue or a complete no-brainer, we are apt to respond "no" for the inconvenience of it. Why not play with that toy, why not take that out...most of the time it's because we as parents do not want to deal with it, but we need to think about helping our children through it...Maybe setting a limit to a noisy toy or having your child play with it shortly before helping set the table for dinner.

6) Don't just think that skin to skin contact is something that was only necessary for your infant! This will be discussed at length in the next blog post about using a nurturing touch. Kind physical contact during a tantrum or when your child is upset is what they need. Don't leave them alone when these feelings are strong, they need you to learn how to cope.

7) Teach emotions. Use language that covers a variety of feelings and don't stick with the "mad, sad, happy". The more you teach a feeling word in the moment, the more those feelings will make sense. Encourage your child to tell you "I am frustrated because he won't share!", "I am disappointed that this is broken!" etc...

8) PLAY. Let your kids have unstructured PLAY. Allow them the opportunity to figure things out for themselves. Play with them. This doesn't mean tell them what to do. Let them explore and learn as they play. Allow them to make mistakes. This is HUGE! If you give them the opportunity to make mistakes, obviously not ones that put them in any danger, they will learn how to problem solve, fix it and cope with their emotions. The best way to do it is through play! We live in a very scary world where kids do not have the time or chance to play.  Make the time to connect and play together!

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Make the time to connect......together...

The 18 Reasons I Still Breastfeed My Toddler

The  18  Reasons I Still Breastfeed My Toddler

1) Because it is still mutually desired.
2) Because our pediatrician continues to root us on and tell us to keep doing what we are doing since it's working for our family.
3) Because all of your little gross facial expressions and comments like "Are you still doing that!?" while I am nursing is not only not supportive, but kind of funny. Um, yes, as you can see...I am still doing THAT.
4) Because while she has days that she eats a lot of food, I like having the backup nutrition so she can learn to gently accept food. It continues to make mealtime fun and exciting...for all of us.
5) Because she HATES any other milk and we are continuing to gently introduce it to her.
6) Because I said so and I am the mom...that's why.
7) Because our instincts as a family dictate what we do and we love it.
8) Because my husband is amazing and loves that his daughter is still nursing anywhere and everywhere.
9) Because I am a built in first-aid kit and I need it...I am not organized...I never will be...but I will carry around a wonderful solution to bee stings (I have tried it on myself twice), poison ivy, clogged tear ducts, ear infections, scrapes, mosquito bites etc...
10) Because she will only be in this stage for a short time frame
11) Because I just ate an entire row of double stuffed oreos after two slices of pizza and that is better than any beer ever!
12) Because I am starting to be able to enjoy that glass of wine and not fear that she will need to nurse soon
13) Because I have wonderful boobs that help me reach my goal of being MILF status.
14) Because I get that you didn't want to breastfeed...and that you wanted to formula feed, but I am lazy!
15) Because it's a built in comfort tool that seems to help a boo-boo in ten seconds flat
16) Because  who doesn't laugh at the strange positions a toddler can take on while defying gravity and remaining latched.
17) Because I respect all parent's decisions to feed their child with love and respect and this is my way!
18) Because I have a built in nose picker, mouth/teeth picker or hairbrush

What did you just eat?

What's that in your nose?

HA you forgot to take away my toy!

zzzzzzz...didn't think your nip could bend like that huh?

B/c I can lay a floor and nurse at the same time! 

B/c I can sail a boat and nurse at the same time!

Because this stage will not last forever

Even Mommies need to brush their teeth from time to time

With all of these moments...I would not change a single thing! I am not knocking formula or bottle feeding...I am simply sharing my personal reasons for "extended" nursing...why? Because!

Thank you for your Tantrum!

I really mean it! I truly do. Am I crazy? Am I being sarcastic? NO....I truly mean it, Took...thank you for your tantrum! Simply put, thank you for showing me you!

Still scratching your head?

Sure, there are times that I feel frustrated when she has an all out tantrum...but then I take a breath and I tell myself that SHE is frustrated. Thank you my girl for showing me how you feel, for letting me know what you don't want, because now we can work together. Thank you for reminding me that, for the most part, you are trying to figure out this confusing world and it doesn't make sense. Just because we have to wait in line at the store, when you are close to your nap and haven't had lunch, doesn't mean it makes sense...why can't we just leave!? "I hear you!" Thank you for showing me the many expectations of a young child that are inappropriate.

Thank you for coming to me during your tantrum, I will not leave you alone with these feelings. I love how we can get through this together, as a team, for I know that you will come to me with all of your emotions. I will help you try to find the words to express how you feel and be with you until you feel better. You seem to calm down instantly when you are given the words you want to say, "Mommy, I don't like this!", "Mommy, this makes me mad!", "I am frustrated!". Just the other day you were upset with a toy that wasn't working. You threw it and instantly came to me asking to be picked up. I knew these feelings were confusing for you to have. So, I picked you up and we talked about it and worked through it. We went back to that toy together and I encouraged you to try it again, when you came upon the same problem, I showed you how to say and sign "help" and you did! You were so proud of yourself and so was Mommy! I showed you how to turn the toy on and you did it, all by yourself and went on playing...we both had a big smile!

I know that when you are feeling upset or frustrated that these feelings are real for you, regardless of what I think of them. I have had those moments too, when I thought something was a big deal and someone else did not, but I wanted that other person to just understand me. I understand you baby girl!

I will not reject you in your time of need. I will not ignore you when you are feeling something other than happy, especially for reasons of my own emotional needs. You have your own emotional needs and I am blessed to be able to help you through it!

I am so glad that we have decided together to keep nursing, at 15 months, this seems to always make you feel better when you bump your head. This process has already taught you to say "ow" and touch the part of your body that hurts, as you come running to Mommy or Daddy. We love you. We love everything that you are. We love every way that you are. We will always always be here for you.

Took, thank you for your tantrum!

My Experience with AP Principle 1: Preparing for Pregnancy and Delivery

My Experience prior to knowing about AP:

I was a very active and excited preggo...working full-time, seeing a few cases after school hours and exercising...by exercising I practiced Yoga, walked and every few days played Gold's Gym Workout on the Wii. I was eating things that I never ate before because I wanted my baby to eat healthy and because I read that exposure starts in utero!  I was craving oranges...I shouldn't say craving... I should say "DEVOURING" oranges..something I never ate before and something that would bring me to a moan over it. It was like fireworks in my mouth (an by the way...Took and I still love and eat oranges!) I was loving life, but it was time to think about labor and delivery. I didn't worry about it until my third trimester when you couldn't deny it...You couldn't avoid it...this baby was coming out! Since I was seeing an OBGYN..I figured I would start there...

I knew that I wanted a "natural childbirth", but I was confused about Bradley Method versus Lamaze.  My OBGYN could not recommend a place where I could find a lamaze class and he advised me not to "worry" about the Bradley method. I thought that was odd...I assumed that his office would be bursting with Lamaze information...but it wasn't...I trusted his advice and went online to try to find or create a lamaze class. I was in over my head and frankly, surprised that I couldn't find a lamaze class anywhere!   I did find a few nurses who were willing to come to my home to teach a lamaze class, however I needed to have at least 4 other couples there. Easy right? 6 of my friends were pregnant at the exact same time, yet NONE of them were interested in a lamaze course...NO ONE wanted to receive specific traning and techniques to take control of their own labor. 

I was told by another medical professional to get a Doula and just listen to them, as a way to put the control on the Doula and not with me. As I researched the Doula's role, it became clear that we wanted to hire a Doula to help support us in labor, however my husband and I wanted to take an active role in an "active" labor. We wanted the Doula and needed the Doula, but we wanted to be prepared with our own "tools". 

I researched, read (Active Birth: The New Approach to Giving Birth Naturally and The Official Lamaze Guide: Giving Birth With Confidence), bought books, read some more, rented DVDs (Laugh and Learn About Childbirth and The Business of Being Born) and practiced meditation. Luckily, I practiced meditation from an instructor from a local Ashram and did so throughout my entire pregnancy. We practiced each night for a few weeks leading up to my due date and felt as ready as we could be. Through this research, I learned to take control of my own labor and delivery. I felt empowered to make decisions that were best for my baby and to learn that there is a difference between the medical field and the labor and delivery of a baby. I am eternally grateful for this knowledge because the week leading up to my labor was full of disagreement....between my OBGYN's office and myself.

I fought each day with them and was told that my file was being marked as non-compliant because I was not willing to be induced. The discussion began a few days BEFORE my actual due date and continued while my labor started, on it's own, exactly one week from my "due date". There were no medical reasons for the discussion and I was told later on by a nurse that the doctors like to fill hospital beds on the weekends to clear the week ahead. Reading the first principle about how labor is to begin on it's own was proof enough that I did the right thing by my child. I trusted my body. I trusted that my body knew what it needed to do and I was comfortable in knowing that my baby was going to do her thing...I labored at home until I was 6 cm dilated and went to the hospital. Unfortunately, my entire labor was a fight to fend off the epidural wielding doctors and to support our decision to move around as much as possible. The nurses were wonderful and very supportive of my decisions.

I spent time in the water, walked around, squatted and sat on a yoga ball...it was great and I was doing it! My husband was AMAZING. He was right there for every contraction. He had a stopwatch and whispered in my ear as he counted "10, 15, you got this, 20, you should be coming down, you are great, 30" for each and every contraction.  He supported each and every decision and was right there. I spent almost my entire labor like this...with him..in this moment of love and caring..I buried my head in his shoulder, breathed in his smell and fell into his embrace.

I made it to 8cm and then there was a change. I was asked to go lay down to check the heart rate against my wishes to lay down. I was told that I changed in my intensity....that it may be too much for me as I stopped joking around and stopped conversing with everyone...I was "intense" and these comments made me weaken my stance..it made me insecure in my labor and question what I was doing. I reluctantly agreed to lay down IF it was going to be for a few minutes, all heads nodded in approval and I did. I hated it. I lost full control of my labor. Gravity was not on my side and it was obvious. My labor slowed down and my baby's heart rate went to very dangerous levels. I had to stay in the bed for at least 20 minutes of monitoring as they decided "what they would do" and urged that I get the epidural in order to help the baby. At that moment, I cried. I didn't want it, but I didn't want to be foolish...I maintained this fight...this stance against it..but now...I was fighting this fight, but now was I making it worse? Was I harming the baby? I looked to the Doula and she thought I should do it. "Was it medically necessary?"..."Yes". I cried the entire time and then fell asleep. My poor husband was left to endure the stress of an erratic heart rate, doctors rushing in to flip me over and an operating room being prepped. He was scared. He was nervous...but he kept supporting our wish for our baby. We wanted to try.

I was told that I would be given the chance to push once..."if I could do it" then they would "let me" try to push...."I CAN DO IT! I was born and made to do this!". and I did....12 pushes and my little girl was born! She was here and she was fine and she crawled down to my breast to nurse...pure bliss that I cry each time I think of that moment. 

Hindsight is always 20/20

Looking back on it....I am ok with it...I needed to do what was best given the situation I was in. I would be lying if I said that I don't get little twinges of "geez...if only I....", but I have learned a lot from the experience, from my insight into AP and from being a mommy...Now I am ready for the next one.

My Experiences with AP Principle 2: Feeding with Love and Respect

Yep, that is me...nursing and sailing on the boat.

My Experience Breastfeeding and BLW

This principle is near and dear to my heart and soul. My journey learning and understanding breastfeeding came as we entered into it together. Sure I read a few books, however, the bonding and rhythm that we fell into happened together. I nursed and continue to nurse on demand at 15 months and going strong. I love the word demand and I do not believe it has the negative implications that many believe it does. I simply have always felt that she will let me know when she wants to eat and when she is finished. I always loved dropping everything to have our special time together, especially in the beginning. It focused me. I was feeding my baby and there was nothing else in this world that was more important to me in that moment...sure I had to physically remind myself to eat and drink water...maybe because we were so into it... The very early weeks of nursing was so much easier when we stripped down and incorporated skin to skin.

My Took was a nurser...every hour on the hour in the beginning. I trusted her. I knew that she would do her job at telling my body how much milk she needed and when. The more I let her nurse, the more milk would come in. The more I responded to her, the faster she stopped crying and knew that "momma was coming". 

I also loved knowing that she might want to nurse for other reasons than hunger...comfort, warmth, boredom, checkin in...I loved it and welcomed it..how cool is that! She knew I was mommy...and she trusted me that I was going to help her! What other lessen in life is more important than knowing that she can trust her parents!

My husband was and always is an amazing support system and I thanked him every day. He probably wasn't as interested in my "AHA" moments while I searched endlessly on the internet to find out and learn about Took's nursing behaviors...but he loved watching us fall into this role of feeding and loved being a part of it. People in my family worried that he was being left out of this bond. I think that is only natural and I did check in with him periodically to make sure that he didn't feel that way. "How could I?" would be his response..."You are doing what you are made to do...and you can do it!"...Oh he is smart isn't he!? He did everything else when he was home from work, every single diaper change with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. The songs he would sing and the ways he would get her to laugh and smile was something only he could do. He wore her as much as he could, did bath time like no other, book-time, snuggle time and his own skin-to-skin time. 

They are bonded.....seriously...lovingly bonded. She has so many special things that she does with "daddy" and a single kiss or calling out his name, levels him..each and every time! 

I figured I would "get" to six months and see how it goes...We are at 15 months and going strong. She eats everything and anything and nurses pretty much whenever she wants to...which can be first thing in the morning and last thing at night...or several times throughout the day...it all depends on what is going on and whether or not she fell. 

Took never took a bottle or pacifier. Never. I would be lying if I said that this never stressed me out. I thought that it was normal for babies to take bottles and pacifiers, this was all prior to my experiences with AP. My view of "norm" was based solely on cultural viewpoints. She would scream like I was hurting her, I would cry out of fear...I was going back to work full time and she was only 3-months old. I hated the idea of the bottle and maybe she knew that. I didn't want her taking anything but me, but I wanted her to eat while I was at work.  She took a bottle two times in her life...at 3 weeks and at 2 months.  I was going back to work. I had to try it out.  I thought I was going to throw up and I watched as my daughter HATED it. I kept thinking that there had to be a better way....and there was! We worked with a leader from LLL who provided us with a few strategies that worked. There were alternatives to feeding my baby and it was wonderful! Took took her first sips of expressed milk from an espresso cup...My classy girl! We then introduced a beginner straw cup at 3-months old and she loved it. She was thriving and drinking my expressed milk when I was at work. I will never forget the stress that this put me under and the relief to know that she will take SOME expressed milk until I came home to her. My husband was and always is on board and he supported anything that we felt was right for Took. This was something that went against the "norm" in our culture and something that needed to be supported by family and friends. They told us that they weren't used to it or comfortable with it...and gradually became accustomed to this "change" in perspective, but they saw how great she was doing. This is monumental when breastfeeding, family support has a direct correlation with breastfeeding success. 

It's the most beautiful, rewarding, frustrating, perfect, emotional experience of my life and we will stop breastfeeding when she decides that she is ready to stop.  THIS is the hot topic of conversation in the family, where I am constantly asked, "How much longer are you doing that!?". "You know...she got all she needs the first two weeks!", "Don't you miss drinking!!"...etc... Took asks to nurse by saying "Mama" or "Mama me me" specifically for nursing....I LOVE IT and I am NOT stopping. WHEN is not a question that I ask myself..."How much longer do I have to enjoy this!" is what I say...and right now...we are still loving it! She has taught me so much through this entire experience. 

We continued feeding her with love and respect as we explored the transition process to solid food. We read about "Baby Led Weaning" by Gill Rapley and felt that this was a fantastic option for us. We entered slowly into the world of "big girl" foods by offering her a variety of what we ate and allowed her to explore it, play with it, smear it, feed it to the dogs, taste it and spit it out, spit it out and eat it all over again or just throw it off of her tray. This baffled family members, upset others...but my husband and I enjoyed the calm experiences of watching our daughter LOVE food. It took awhile before she truly ingested any of it, but she was nursing and we knew that when she was ready she would. We respected her and she responded very well to it. The same family members who thought we were strange will also comment on the types of food she eats. When she signs that she is "all done"....she is all done...When she asks for "more"....she gets more on her tray!

Her favorite: Spaghetti with venison 

AP Principle 2: Feed with Love and Respect

The Dangers of Baby Training

"Respect gives a positive feeling of esteem or deference for a person or other entity (such as a nation or a religion), and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem. Respect can be a specific feeling of regard for the actual qualities of the one respected (e.g., "I have great respect for her judgment")" 

Wikipedia

Feeding with love and respect implies that you are feeding your child with love and respect for them...something all parents will argue that they do, but most forget to do. Feeding is physiologically the first opportunity to bond and recreate the in-utero experiences that the baby had. Remembering that feeding is not an inconvenience, but an opportunity to bond and solidify your attachment role is crucial to your relationship. 

The purpose of Attachment Parenting is not to get into the breast or formula debate, not the breast or bottle debate. The purpose of AP is to get into the feeding with respect and love debate...to eliminate the "hassle" of feeding and promote the bonding. This is perhaps one of the biggest issues in the "Mommy Wars". That is not what this blog post is about. We will have a separate post about breastfeeding to support parents that breastfeed. Let's support each other to do what is best for our families.


Scheduled Feedings
We talk about the phrase "on demand" meaning, "when the baby or child is asking to be fed". The perception we can help shift is the difference between "demanding" as in the cultural view of a "spoiled brat" and the demanding or communication of a basic need. Remember, we are working on shifting perception. Moving away from the culture and back to the nature of the infant.


Think about "convenience" in the way many people approach feeding. Eliminate it. Wipe it away. Think about what is truly happening. Your child is telling you that he or she is hungry. That is it. Plain and simple. "MOM, I really need it!". This is a simple biological need and the infant expects to be fed as soon as possible. This isn't because the baby is impatient and rude. It has nothing to do with your meal you were about to it, that show you just turned on or whether or not you were settled into bed. This has nothing to do with you personally...it is a need that needs to be met....and who else is supposed to do it? Keep in mind the genetic expectation of this behavior...generations upon generations upon generations have indicated hunger and were fed. Delaying it, scheduling it or acting like it is not a big deal violates the nature of the child. This causes distress. It isn't the inability of a selfish baby...it isn't even the baby being rude. It is something that goes against the nature of what the baby has been created for. 


The problem with convenience in our culture is that it alters our perception of what we are meant to do. Our mindset becomes "do what is convenient". "It's NOT convenient for me to feed you right now". "It's NOT convenient for you to cry right now!".  "It's not TIME for you to eat right now!", "You need to eat right now because this works for my schedule", "This doesn't work well with what I am doing...you can wait", or even "I have to wait when I am hungry...you can too".


Feeding with love and respect sends the message that you understand them. You hear them. It might be hard. It might be frustrating, but think of those times when you yourself were beyond hungry that you were cranky. You need to eat. You most likely inform someone near you or you take it upon yourself to get something. Problem solved. It's the same thing! 


Think of the times that you ate and were still hungry...or wanted to snack...start to peel away the "convenience" piece and recognize the baby for who he or she is...a person...with wants and needs. You will see it differently. 


The other component to feeding on demand is that it lessens the risk of obesity as the child learns, early on, to self regulate their food intake. Babies are born with the innate ability to recognize when they are full and when they want food. Research has recommended that parents feed their child on demand so the child can determine how often and when they should eat. Here is a podcast from the CDC about breastfeeding and the risk of obesity. Remember, if you bottle feed or formula feed, there are ways to encourage the same behaviors by watching the amount and frequency which you feed your child. 


The only difference that we need to remember when comparing breastfeeding to bottle feeding is "ounces". A nursing mother will not know how many ounces of milk her child has consumed. This is an important piece when discussing amount, overfeeding and feeding on demand as far as behaviors are concerned. Attachment Parenting International recommends that if a family is not able to breastfeed, they should follow as close to breastfeeding behaviors as possible, given that this is what the infant is "wired for". When nursing, the baby will signal when he or she wants to be fed and when he or she is finished. The infant signals this relationship for more or less and determines the frequency. This is crucial when bottle feeding as many people, with good intentions, try to encourage the baby to "finish" what is in the bottle. Think of the implications, even with good intentions, and this link to the obesity epidemic. 

Position
Familiarize yourself with breastfeeding behaviors. You can follow these cues when nursing, "bottle nursing" or bottle feeding:

• Feed on cue as mentioned above. 
• Make eye contact with your child. 
• Speak to and attend to your baby or child. This is an amazing time for bonding. Cherish it. 
• Switch sides that you hold them during feeding. This provides them with a unique sensory experience and helps in decreasing plagiocephaly and/or torticollis.

The world makes sense to your child when their needs are being met in a loving and respectful way. The more we foster this relationship the more our children will attach or imprint to us. This bond will be crucial to your relationship. When the baby is near you, he or she is greeted with a sensory overload of your smell, warmth, voice etc... Remember this! Respect this experience! The WHO provides an informative fact sheet regarding feeding behaviors.

"...This sensitivity fosters a sense of trust. The baby trusts that his signals are being understood, and the mother learns to trust her own ability.... A healthy, happy baby develops secure attachments with his caregivers because he more easily reciprocates the loving, smiling behaviors that he receives" (Attached at The Heart. Nicholson and Parker)

Bottle propping, or any other devices designed for "hands off" feeding do not promote the skin to skin to contact that helps support attachment and bonding. Think about the ways this shifts the natural bonding experience towards the disconnect that occurs in our culture. 


API recommends that parents consider pacifier use the same as breastfeeding.
One component noted in "Attached at the Heart" is the use of pacifiers. The authors recommend using the pacifier in a fashion similar to nursing behaviors. That could include holding them your arms while providing that comfort and security. 


Solid Foods

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends gentle weaning, exclusively breastfeeding or formula feeding for the first six months of age with gradual introduction to solid foods. Many health professionals advice parents to wait until the baby does not exhibit a strong "tongue thrust" position and is able to grab food with a pincer grasp (e.g. food between the index finger and thumb). Check out the AAP recommendations for weaning from breastfeeding and the recommendations for weaning from a bottle.


A parent or caregiver is able to promote a healthy attachment by following their child's lead and initiating solids when the baby signals that he or she is ready for the food versus the caregiver deciding that it is time. Think about what we have already discussed, in terms of self regulation and the impact on feeding and obesity. The baby will signal that he or she is ready by an overall interest in your food, grabbing at your plate, grabbing for food and bringing it to her mouth, refusing or pushing away a spoon (if you chose to spoon-feed), etc...


Know that there are different methodologies with feeding. There is a style of spoon-feeding puree'd foods and then there is baby-led-weaning (BLW), which encourages parents to introduce whole pieces of foods instead of puree's. Baby Led Weaning research project concluded that "weaning style does have an impact on food preferences and health in early childhood. The results suggest that infants weaned through the baby-led method learned to regulate their food intake in a way which leads to a lower BMI and a preference for healthy foods..." For more information and a good book to read, check out Baby Led Weaning . 


Your role with food will be to introduce and maintain a healthy lifestyle with good choices. Keep mealtimes relaxed and together. Eat together as a family, talk together as a family. Try to remember the concept of respect and love when approaching feeding and any behaviors that come with it. Try not to "force" feeding as in "finish everything on your plate" for your toddler who is learning how to regulate their own hunger...instead offer smaller meals and healthy snacks throughout the day. Eating should be fun and relaxed and your child should feel that his or her needs are being met and respected.Remember, your child is learning about tastes, smells, textures, consistency etc... they are learning and exploring and it is OK to play with your food!! 

The bottom line:
When we feed with love and respect we teach our children love and respect. 

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Attachment Parenting IS

Attachment parenting is....

Following the breastfeeding challenge from Motherwise on Facebook, I thought I would enter in the same search criteria for AP, typing in "Attachment Parenting is" and waiting to see what pops up. I still felt annoyed even though I shouldn't be surprised. Should I?

What about AP is crazy? The lifestyle dedicated to being responsive to your child's needs? Which part exactly is bad? Do we even use words like that anymore? Bad? A crock?

Part of my problem is that there is not an understanding of AP..there is only a misconception of this style of parenting. My guess would be that they think that every parent that practices AP sleeps with their kids, breastfeeds and gets walked all over.

HOW VERY WRONG and how very sad. I realize that the majority of society is resistant to any idea that differs from what they are used to. I get that. So what can we "APers" do to promote our parenting choices. Educate. Lead by example.

By leading by example, I mean resisting the urge to tell someone off and practicing gentle discipline behaviors.

I found an article on the Village Voice that you can see in the google search above: The Problem With Attachment Parenting. I couldn't actually type the first part of the sentence because it is so awful...but you can read it for yourself, if you can stomach it. I do think, as ignorant and insane as it is...it is a good example of what the rest of society perceives of Attachment Parenting...so I am going to try to take out the "examples" or "differences" in our philosophy and perception...gulp...here goes...

"...even though we go through the same routine every morning and I know he knows he's going to get fed just as soon as the routine is finished, every morning he screams at me pretty much until the first bite of food goes in his mouth.

That baby is a real prick..." Jef Otte

This is going to be repeated throughout this post:  

Research shows that without a secure motherly attachment, children's bodies activate a stress reaction to unexpected events.

So let's talk about delaying that feeding in the effort of making sure routines are established...the baby is stressed out...the cortisol levels rise, the baby is confused as to why he or she is not being responded to, the biological nature of the baby is violated...chaos..What else is happening here? The parental instinct to respond to the crying infant is to help the baby stop crying or cope with their feeling...but the author "needs" to complete his routine despite what the baby "needs". Is the response to this plea met with love and affection? Probably not, based on the last sentence about the baby...as if the baby is intentionally trying to disrupt the father's routine and ability to pour his morning coffee. The baby is expecting to have his need taken care of and is not only being ignored, but most likely ignored, shushed, put down or left alone. I see two messages being sent to the baby: "1) You are not communicating to me that you need to eat. Cry harder. 2) Deal with this on your own. You will be able to figure it out. " I am pretty sure we already know the answer to this.

This is a HUGE perception in the American culture. I have heard countless times, "Let her cry a little bit. You don't want to teach her that you will respond to her every call", "She needs to learn" etc.. She needs to learn that I am here to meet her needs and gently teach her. This isn't a sink or swim, survival of the fittest type of home. This is a supportive home and one that follows the AP principle of feeding with love and respect. I would much rather send the message "I understand that you are hungry and don't understand what the feeling is, but I am here to help you". Pouring that cup of coffee can be done at the same time..in fact it can be done in between the first few bites.

The Dangers of Baby Training

One of the principles of AP is to help gently teach our children coping skills, something that so many adults do not have. Something that is clear in the article we are discussing as he clearly stated: "...daddy needs to make some coffee before he loses his shit..." Coping skills at it's finest...or someone repeating the cycle of parenting gone awry? 

Let's move past the first paragraph as there is plenty more to talk about.

The author continues on comparing his children and poking fun at his youngest...calling him many many names. While I understand that it's mostly sarcastic AND recognizing that I am a very sarcastic person in nature...I think there is some valid truth in what he is saying...We need to, as a whole, watch our language.

The Dangers of Baby Training

We need to watch what we say and watch how we are perceiving our children.

Look at perception. If you perceive that someone is going to be rude to you, how do you react to them? If you think someone is going to rip you off, what do you do? If you see the good in someone, how to you treat them? If you treat a child as if they are manipulative, rude, selfish, or bad, what message to they get from your perception? We need to watch our language when it comes to our children, but most importantly we need to watch our perception of our children's behavior/intention. Is the baby screaming because he doesn't want you to have your coffee or because he is hungry from sleeping 8-12 hours at night? Your need to that cup of coffee is just as strong as his need for food. See how your behavior will be directly related to your perception?

Moving on....

"...The baby, it's evident, has got the evilness in him: a natural-born willful bastard with a generous naughty streak and a mission that occupies his every waking second to do the thing he senses you least want him to do. Which sort of makes me love him even more, because I've got a soft spot for willful-ass little kids. And the fact is, even with the propensity for evil, he's still a sweet little guy who smiles at strangers, responds well to "no" (he might ignore it, but he won't flip out about it), sleeps fifteen hours a day without complaint and, except for right after he wakes up, seldom cries.

So if this innately dastardly baby is, even in spite of his innate dastardliness, such a pleasure to be around, then why are the babies and even the kids of so many of my cohorts (I think we all know at least a couple of these) such belligerent, unmanageable, anxiety-ridden little fascists? The answer, I strongly suspect, has a lot to do with "attachment parenting," a phenomenon so baffling and ass-backwards it defies logic, but which nevertheless provides the philosophical bedrock of every self-named "mommy club" you know..." Babies Are Assholes: The Problem With Attachment Parenting

Ok, let's see here..." belligerent, unmanageable, anxiety-ridden little fascists" would be what I think the author perceives as children being raised by the principles of Attachment Parenting, however, my guess would be that this is not the case. Children raised in environments that respect them, follow their lead and gently nurture them have been found to be confident and independent individuals. 

Ok let's keep diving into this "educated" piece of journalism

"...Basically, then, attachment parenting hinges on the presumption that if, through perpetual satisfaction of their every desire, we prevent our babies from crying -- and indeed, perpetual satisfaction of their every desire is the only way to prevent a baby from crying -- they will grow to become well-adjusted. And right there, right off the bat, it's a contradiction in terms....

Because babies are assholes. They're demanding, they're utterly self-centered, they have no empathy and they shriek horrible, horrible shrieks when they don't get what they want. And that's okay, because they're babies. They're adorable and they don't know any better..." Babies Are Asshole. The Problem With Attachment Parenting

There is more in the article and you can check it out for yourself, consider yourself warned though. I have a few theories about this. I do think that he is not as informed as he should be when talking about Attachment Parenting, however I do think that there is a difference between someone bedsharing or co-sleeping and someone practicing AP. What I can say, is from my own experiences. The article criticizes the practice of babywearing and feeding on demand as ways that inhibit the baby from adjusting to the societal expectations of our culture and preventing the baby from growing up.

Babies need their mothers. Plain and simple. They need the attachment of their immediate family! Why early attachment matters!!

I can honestly say that I did a lot of research into Attachment Parenting philosophy, evolutionary and natural parenting via several books mentioned earlier in the blog and several informative blogs: Evolutionary Parenting, Natural Child Project, and Attachment Parenting International. I read, I think and I explore. I was happy to find something that clicked and made sense with me, with my husband and most importantly for our daughter. I hope that everyone does the same prior to calling themselves Attachment Parents.

Anyway, we feed on demand, we both babywear, we bedshare, we practice positive discipline, we practice AP and I can tell you. We have more people commenting on how well our child behaves, howe confident she is and how adjusted she is. The theory that isn't reflected appropriately in the above quotes article, is the notion that babies are hard-wired from thousands and thousands of years of evolution. Our culture is really only a post-world-warII culture that has significantly shifted in child rearing practices. While the child "adjusts" and "assimilates", if that is what you want for your child, it is a very scary and different world from what the baby is expecting. When I say "expecting", I do not intend for it to sound like the baby is waiting for it, more so the baby is genetically hard-wired for it. You can choose to throw your child in the pool to see if he or she will swim, or gently nurture and respond to the child in a way that he or she will discover and learn to swim in his or her time....those will be the swimmers!

The Dangers in Baby Training

Help do your part, by promoting education and awareness of this parenting practice, especially on the heels of the new post from TLC that they will be airing an "Extreme Parenting" show. We need to be ready to inform the misinformed, for the sake of our children!