A place for parents to come to learn about Attachment Parenting (AP)..but more importantly...a place for parents, especially moms, to come and support each other in the decisions that they make for their children. Let's do our part in ending the mommy wars. Let's support each other, as moms, to do what we feel is right for our kids.
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What is about some parents that have children and think they need to have control. What are we talking about here? Does this word not send splinters down your spine and in your heart?
from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/control
Seriously people?? That word does not belong anywhere NEAR parenting advice...You cannot control anything. You can't control your pets, unless you break their spirits and they are afraid of you...even so..if you do "control" them...how do you have to talk to them? Imagine that people actually speak to their children the same way...with the same expectations...and guess what....the same thing happens..their spirits are broken. They are, in a sense obedient. To the unsuspecting onlooker, those children are well behaved. My question, why are they so well behaved...in that moment. What happened to them to be so well behaved?
Why does our culture feel that we need to control our children. There are times that I can't be around certain parents. I can't tell if they are directing a movie or an aerobics class with their constant directives, "move here, stand over there, watch out, sit down, go over there" and forget about the constant policing. There is no opportunity for our children to make their own decisions...to see if something is a good idea or a bad idea on their own. That is so crucial to their development. I don't want Took having my voice in her head or to make decisions based on me.. I want Took to have her own voice in her head, her own convictions and her own ability to know if something is dangerous. She will get into more trouble if she is so used to somebody else telling her what is right or wrong.
It makes no sense.
"Obedient children grow into obedient adults. They're less likely to stand up for themselves, more likely to be taken advantage of. They're also capable of terrible acts, because they don't take responsibility for their actions; they blame whoever told them to do it." AHA Parenting GENIUS
The control that people seek is the very thing that drives our children away. Parents feel that their parenting skills are judged based on how your child listens to you...and they are probably right...why do we have this culture that does this? Why wouldn't we see the child for who he or she really is? A human being that hasn't experienced something right?
Aside from not being able to make decisions for themselves...my biggest concern is being "trained" or taught by your parents that your opinion, your feelings, your thoughts or you are not important, especially if it doesn't jive with the mood of the dominate figure....Does this not sound like the perfect storm for bullying? "DO what I say and I don't care how you feel or what you think about it, because your role in life is to listen to me!" NO THANK YOU!
I am not saying that your child isn't supposed to "listen to you"...obviously we are here to teach our children, but how do we expect to raise confident and caring children if we trade in their emotions and spirit? AHA Parenting is an amazing resource with a lot of great ideas. Check them out and see her many brilliant ideas!
The main point is to allow your child to be heard...that doesn't mean that your child gets his or her way. It means that you understand why they want to do something. Your response will be more empathetic and will signal that you value their opinion. Most of my responses to my daughter's tantrums are opportunities for her to tell me what she wants. There are times that she does get her way because it is appropriate...for example, when she wants to drop down to the ground in the middle of the parking lot. It's just not safe...but I tell her that. There is a different meaning behind, "This isn't safe so I am moving you to a safe place for you to tell me how you feel" and becoming mad and angry.
There are other times where it is appropriate to hear them out... If I say "it's time to eat!!", a tantrum that follows could mean 'put your toys down and stop your fun!', but, it could also mean, "I am not hungry right now!". Imagine a world where your food came out at the same exact time every day, regardless of being hungry..and if you didn't eat, it didn't come out and IF you had the nerve to balk, you were left alone...ignored...confusing? I take her tantrum as her way of communicating something to me. It opens up opportunities of discussion and isn't that what we want? As parents? For your child to come to you when they are feeling strong emotions...when they really need you?
Allow your child to say "no" or that they don't like something. You don't need to get so hung up on "please", "thank you" and "sorry"...those are wasted words that kids don't genuinely mean. I want my daughter to learn to express herself freely, they will surprise you with their sweetness. Think about it. How many times have you seen your child ask for a cookie with a very sweet and genuine disposition...and the second you put that pressure on them to say "please" it all changes...Now you have a grumpy child who thinks they have to jump through hoops when they were really sweet already. As adults, we like these words and think that "manners" are things that all kids should have...but I challenge you to forget it when they are young..They will pick it up, they will learn it and they can do so at a time when they are open to following it from your lead...but not during that moment when they are already genuine.
Allow them to say "no". You can always encourage and teach your child how to do so appropriately, however they should be allowed to say that they don't like or want to do something. Sometimes, it could be a choice, other times it isn't...but you can come to those conclusions together....and doesn't that make more sense then "because I said so".
Meet on the couch. Teach your child how to express their emotions, how to be themselves and if they are having a hard time...that they can come to you! We don't need little monkeys obeying our every word. We need to show our children that they can be children and that we can work together. See the world from their eyes and approach them from their perspective. You will teach empathy and caring by giving them empathy and caring..
My husband....the truest caveman...was born to be an attachment parent before knowing the name for it. He has been the one that shrugged his shoulders as I explored this "eye opening" concept of listening to my gut. He would look at me and say, "I don't know Er...it just feels right! Who cares what a book says...I know what my daughter needs". My GOD I love this man!
It is so important to have support in your decisions and to have a partner stand by you as you journey on this path of parenthood...and I am so grateful for him...He is the one that settled me down when Took was young and said, "Bring her into bed with us"...DUH!! Why didn't I think of that!? But the truth is, I did think of it...but at the time I was so unsure of what was right and what was wrong....based on standards that I didn't understand.
He was the one that said, "She needs the boob...Just give it to her" in the beginning when I was "nervous" that she was nursing so frequently. DUH!! Why didn't I think of that? BUT I DID...I was afraid to trust myself..and then when he said it, I was shocked...
I still sit back and smile as I watch him gently parent our strong, confident and independent toddler with a smile on his face and in his voice....What an amazing caveman <3
Night one of seeing what weaning is all about....and it sucks just as badly as I thought. I should say that my husband...the truest caveman..naturally born to be an attachment parent..is a rockstar and continued singing and soothing her as she called out for "Mommy" and "mimi".
Let's back up a little bit. I just found out that I most likely have Grave's disease and was encouraged to stop nursing so we can pursue radioactive testing and surgery as I am pretty symptomatic. Weaning was something that we never thought of as our plan was to follow Took's lead. Can we do this? Can we do this without making it traumatic? We don't know. We hope so. So tonight...I sit here listening to what isn't as bad as I thought...yet I still want to throw up. She isn't crying and seems to be pretty relaxed. Our plan for right now is to just see what happens as it has been a long time since Hubs tried putting her to sleep. (She goes to sleep fine at daycare).
It's more me. My fear of not being able to connect to her on a level that brings us both peace. As we explore a second opinion about all of our health options we start to think of life and mortality. Obviously, breastfeeding for another few months versus your health are no brainers...but when faced with a doctor telling you about surgery, cardiac arrest, hormone replacement therapy...all I could think of was..."I do not want to stop breastfeeding! No way! That is not the way it is supposed to happen!!"
I cried...I cried and cried to the doctor and it wasn't even about me. It was about my nursing relationship and my fears of weaning. As of right now, I am pretty sure that I do not have to wean completely...but we do have to prepare her for a solid week without nursing...which scares the absolute ISH out of me. What if that does wean her!? God, I didn't want this to end like this...although I do not want my health to be a factor either...the only thing we can do is try to prepare her....gently...as we gently prepare ourselves for the next step in treatment. Yea ok...Two emotionally charged events at the same time does not equal peaceful sleep..but we are trying.
Night Two
The darn dogs woke Took up. Hubs had it down to a science and was able to get her to sleep within 10 minutes of attempting to get her to sleep. She had her nightly routine of bath, books, brush teeth, potty and then bed. This time, it was Daddy in bed with her. We bedshare...so I am wearing a shirt that makes "Mimi" hard to get out. She was really good at just taking it out and nursing as she needed at night. I am prepared to try to help her learn to stay asleep tonight as I plan to say, "Mimi is sleeping. NIght night" when she wants to nurse. I ended up nursing her tired and then kept putting her down to fall asleep on her own...Maybe this will be the plan...I can phase myself out if we keep this up and then get hubs to try again...No matter what...those dogs are out of the room until we can do this. I won't be able to nurse her at all for a week when I have the test done, so we are trying to help her learn slowly...but man oh man...I hate it!
One Week and a Happy Mommy Later
It's all over!! We worked it all out and down to not nursing for 24 hours....We are back to our nursing routine and life is so much more relaxed. Please, do your homework, listen to your gut and find a doctor that listens to you. This Endo that I went to was so responsive to me and was so wonderful that he read the link from KellyMom and consulted with a colleague to agree with me....ME...that I not only do not have to wean...but that he would use an isotope that was slightly less "potent" and would allow for the least disruption in our nursing relationship. If it was appropriate to kiss your doctor...I would have!!!
The moral of the story...Do you homework!
Since the test, Took and I have both learned ways to help her fall asleep without always nursing...there are still "Mimi" nights, but there are also more daddy nights...the best part is...we are back to following her lead and she is so not ready to give up her "mimi"....and I couldn't be happier!!
Did you notice how lousy it was!? How sore your throat was or how stuffy your head was.
Ever feel something coming on for days and just feel miserable?
Ever put it in perspective that this is what your child must have felt...lightbulb...that's WHY she was acting that way!
Imagine feeling this and not being able to tell anyone. Well, not being able to tell someone in the way that they would understand...because in fact, they are telling us!
These are the moments that I am most thankful for Attachment Parenting. It doesn't matter what I think of how Took should feel. She knows how she is feeling and she is telling me. It doesn't matter if I think she should enjoy playing with her older cousins, she didn't want to run around and instead she wanted to nurse a lot.
We were away recently and Took was nursing A LOT. I mean, like a newborn baby. We were away with a few families and it was jam packed with activities. I easily could have casted aside her frequent nursing sessions with, "ok now...you already ate", "you are fine" or "go play. You love the beach"...but I welcomed each nursing session, I scooped her up when she wanted more "mimi" and I didn't care if everyone thought I was nuts...fast forward two days....102.5 fever. There it was. NO WONDER!!!
I was so happy that I was myself...that I didn't feel the watchful eyes on me...judging me for my frequent nursing of my toddler. Ignoring all of the comments, "wow she does things differently huh!" and "I think I just saw her nipple"...but most importantly..I was happy that I was treating Took with respect for her feelings. Sure my nips may have been sandy...or there were times where I was so hot that the idea of babywearing made me afraid that we would both melt into the sidewalk...but once I strapped my baby girl onto me...and her head met my heart...I did melt into the sidewalk, but not from heat. I was so happy that I followed my heart and nothing else. Well...maybe my husband proclaiming to the unsupportive support, "hey..the kid needs a nip!"It was the truest of "Mommy...I need you" and me being 100% there, without anything else.
Those are the moments that I smile at her and say, "YES! I accept you for ALL OF YOU!!!!"
I would never fully be able to understand this principle in the moment...if it weren't for Took. SURE..I can understand the concept and understand responding with empathy...but never really considered it, until I watched my girl in action.
She has been raised with love and empathy...her whole 16 months of life...so naturally her responses to her world are pure, in the moment and not changed by anyone. So it came as a sweet surprise when she started experiencing strong emotions. Strong feelings that led to "tantrums" or arching her back, crying, throwing something in her hand etc... What was truly interesting though, was how she would come to me immediately and ask to be picked up. "UP UP MOMMA" with a very concerned look in her eyes. I would quickly scoop her up and start saying "You must be feeling frustrated that the toy won't work. Let Momma help you figure it out"...and as I say any of those words, she is usually getting into position to nurse as she requests "me me" (her word for nursing). Tantrum over. Problem solved. She finishes nursing, gives me a kiss and goes right back to where she left off. We talk about it and I can show her how to resolve the problem without any tears. MAGIC!?
I don't know if I would have been able to "think" about it in the moment as quickly as she knew what to do. The first time it happened I literally said, "OK" as if I would have handled it differently. The second time, it took me by surprise as I thought, "I see what's happening here!" and by the third, my poor little girl's mother finally "got" with the program..."ABSOLUTELY!" She is coming to me! She is needing me!! I am actually teaching her to rely on me to help her through feelings that she is upset by, confused with or not liking! OH MY GOD!!!!!
Isn't this what it is all about!? Isn't this why we are "parenting this way" or we find ourselves having to justify what we are doing...isn't this the moment that proves it to yourself!?
The lesson she is learning from me....is so invaluable. I accept you for all of you. I love you for all of you.
These moments, that seem to occur more and more, are amazing moments to teach her what her feelings are, to value and listen to her emotions, TO COME TO ME with them, to go to her father, how to handle them and how much I love and accept her. She even goes to the dogs to ask them for a kiss as she rubs the spot on her head that she bumped.
You can literally feel how it is a pivotal point in our relationship...a moment that can either solidify our bond or begin to drive it apart. Sure it's hard. I am tired. There could be more kids involved in the mix...it's not always convenient...but it's my girl. My little lady is telling me something and thank GOD she doesn't give me any time to think. By the time she is upset she is already in my arms asking for "me me me". How wonderful! I can't imagine it any other way and I wouldn't want to! I cry when I hear parents telling their child, "it's not a big deal", "suck it up", "man up"..even "it's fine!"
It's obviously NOT fine! Ever have a person tell you that in the middle of a cry fest? Did those words EVER help? It usually made me cry more...out of frustration that the person I am crying to isn't "getting it"...isn't getting me..I can't have that! When she thinks it's a big deal..it is a big deal. In her world...it is huge! Why do I need to trivialize something when it's not about me...it's about her..in this moment...I can help her...I can show her!
This is another reason why we cannot place our emotions on our children's emotions. Saying things like "she's really fussy" today doesn't show that you are understanding her feelings. Saying "she is sad today" helps open the door to empathy. Remember the saying, "My child is not giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time". See. It's all a matter of your perspective and your ability to check your emotions.
A great example was the other morning...She was playing with a toy and I was watching her try so hard to figure it out. She was so close and I was silently rooting her on....She gave up...but not before throwing it down and immediately looking for me. In that moment, I was able to help her identify her emotions. "Momma, I am mad. That was hard! I need help!". We walked over together and I encouraged her to hand the toy to me. I praised her for handing it to me nicely instead of focusing on anything else. I showed her how to open the toy and turn it on; I quickly reset it back and handed it to her and encouraged her to try. She was successful, happy and went on to play. That interaction could have taken a negative turn if I focused solely on the fact that she threw the toy. Some parents choose to focus on the end result and punish the behavior....but she came to me and she was clear in how she was feeling. Totally different outcome. Totally different behavior and a very happy child.
The idea of physical contact is huge here. When she gets upset, frustrated, scared she comes to me. My husband and I laugh because it looks like I am "home base" and it is so wonderful! We maintain the physical contact, reassure her and help her through the moment. We usually get a few kisses and tell her that we love her. We are accepting her even if she isn't reflecting back what we want or need.
One great idea that we have tried is the idea of the "meet on the couch". It's the opposite of "time out" and is more like "time in" together. We meet on the couch together, make contact, sometimes nurse, but always talk through emotions. It's a great time to calm down together. It gives me the time I need to gather my emotions and to check in with her. I like to think of it as an opportunity to re-connect and reassure her. We can take that time to give her some of the language that she can use in the moment. How great is it to be able to provide your child with the tools needed to resolve a conflict and problem solve a situation?! "Time in" together and "meeting on the couch" is another great way to give a toy a break. Especially if it is a toy that is being fought over or misused. Your lessons will speak volumes during these moments rather than the "traditional" way of scolding the child, making them feel as if they are a nuisance or sending them off with emotions that they aren't sure of. The behavior is the end result of a problem, it signals that the child opted to behave a certain way because they were unsure of how to handle it and were unsure of their feelings. This moment can be recognized by the parent as an opportunity to connect and teach coping skills rather than sending them away to deal with these confusing emotions alone.
Another great idea posed by Mayim Bialik was the concept of "why not". Before you jump in to say "no" think "why not". MOST of the time, your quick response was because you didn't want to be bothered with the clean up or you already know they outcome...but why not let them discover it themselves? OBVIOUSLY, if it is a safety or health issue then you wouldn't...but this has helped tremendously as I watch my little girl figure it out, make her own decision and come to her own conclusion. WHAT A POWERFUL LESSON!
This is a journey for us...but I am learning so much more about myself by following my little girl's lead...why not!
WOW!!! My second world breastfeeding week!!! This is amazing. I started my journey knowing in my heart that I wanted to breastfeed, but had no idea what it was "all about". I read up about breastfeeding and tried to stare at my nipples to figure out if they were inverted or not...what does that mean...and often wondered how much it will hurt....that was the extent of my "breastfeeding" prep.
I put my daughter to my breast as soon as I possibly could and remember that moment distinctly. I thought to myself, "here we go...let's see if this works...and what this feels like". Little did I know what it would do to me. We all know what the benefits of nursing and breastfeeding are for a child, but the momma...it was pure bliss.
I am not going to lie...I was scared. I was nervous...but I also knew to trust the process. Trust the wet diapers. Trust the baby cues. I watched her little mouth and looked for little swallows...It was happening!! It was really working!! Every poopy diaper, every wet, empowered me. I knew it was working. I was so bonded to her that I hated when other people held her too long....I hated when she wasn't in my arms and I didn't understand the biological process.....and how normal it was. As I became comfortable in my role, I became comfortable in my attachment to her...I understood my mama bear feelings and I loved it.
I trusted my body and used my own milk to heal my newbie nips...and that only lasted two weeks...it's funny because now, I don't even know if she is latched on or not...I have to look, but if I have sand in my bathing suit...I COMPLAIN like crazy! It truly does not hurt...at all...
I celebrated each milestone and started trusting cluster feedings for what they were...opportunities to sit down and let her bring more milk in. I stopped watching the clock and stopped needing to time her nursing sessions.
I carried around a cover and needed help getting her ready to nurse in public...I waited for comments and was ready to go with a prepared argument about my rights. It never happened. I received glances, but mostly smiles. I started getting better at being discrete and didn't need any help. I started leaving my cover home and falling in love with my nursing relationship, mastering the ability to nurse with one hand while holding her and papers while on line at the DMV.
I knew enough to know that I was going to be hassled by my pediatrician's office...and was I ever. Not the pediatrician himself, but his assistant, who either had a problem with me or a problem with breastfeeding itself. Whatever the issue, it started in the hospital, "You know you should introduce a pacifier as soon as you can...Get some sleep" and "She did lose a few ounces, so you should consider supplementing". Thanks to new momma hormones and my knowledge, I knew to flat out say "NO...are you kidding? Do you even know what you are saying?" and never looked back...Every time I saw him he said the same things...he chalked things up to "nursing" and I smiled, knowing that he is missing out on something spectacular.
The overwhelming feeling of love and peace that I feel each and every time I nurse is amazing. Looking in her eyes, holding her hand and now as a toddler, holding her foot in my mouth...is priceless and something I cherish in the core of my very soul.
Overcoming those early days and knowing that I knew best was so empowering. I can't say it enough. We don't get enough support. It's sad. Moms who don't breastfeed don't feel like they have support and moms who breastfeed feel like they don't get enough support...what's up with that?
We need to do our best to help Moms and families know about breastfeeding to make accurate decisions for themselves, but also need to help promote understanding of "support" to do the best that we can.
I had and still have the most amazing support system in my husband. A man who was destined to be an attachment parent from birth. He loves everything about breastfeeding. He waved his hands at well meaning family who kept saying, "but you can't give her a bottle...how will you ever bond with her!". When she squeaked, he responded immediately, "Momma...she needs some boob!" He loved knowing that she could comfort herself for any reason and melted along with me when she started asking to nurse with "mama me me". This is absolutely crucial to my nursing relationship. I fall in love with him all over again when I see him smiling and gazing at us while we nurse. It's truly amazing.
Screenshot from last year's Latch On from The Patch
Does this look like two people that are not bonded? I don't think so.
Whether you nursed or breastfed for an hour, a year or two or five, celebrate yourself! Celebrate your ability to accomplish your own personal goals, to be able to do what was best for your family with love in your heart and your arms.
I celebrate the fact that my original nursing goal was three months and we are 16 months going strong without any intention of stopping.
While many people believe that you need to co-sleep/bedshare and breastfeed to practice Attachment Parenting, it just is not true! This principle, responding with sensitivity, is believed to be the most important and crucial part of AP....and why wouldn't it be? Sensitivity, something we as a culture, freely give to strangers, dogs, cats, but don't seem to expect the same treatment for our children...hmmm..something is amiss here!
"Sensitive responsiveness implies the ability to set aside one's own needs for the need's of the baby; it presupposes a change in consciousness of the parents and the capacity to feel empathy" (Nicholson and Parker)
Think of interactions you have been in with people. How often do you put your own needs after meeting the needs of another person? How often do you try to do this with your child, but are told that it spoils them?
Our babies are born with the expectation that their needs will be met and when we meet them, we start to teach them trust. Once they learn to trust us they will learn to communicate their needs effectively. As a newborn, this will be hand sucking, rooting etc.. If we meet those needs, prior to them becoming upset, they learn HUGE lessons. Empathy. Trust. Communication.
One really powerful point in Attached at the Heart, was an awesome quote that includes:
"I want to understand how you feel....
We're in this together...
I see myself in you...
I am not afraid of your feelings...
I accept you in all of your expressions...
I do not reject you when you are not reflecting back what I wish or need." (Parker and Hanessian)
That is what did it for me:
From Attached at The Heart
I can tell you that this is something that is very hard for many people...and I try to remember this little sentence always. I usually start to feel frustrated when her crying is inconvenient for me. That's when I check it and change the way I am feeling...convenient for me!? Throw that tantrum baby girl! "I am comfortable with how you are feeling and will help you through this" is way more powerful than "knock it off", "stop", or even recently overheard "man up!". Once we approach our children with empathy we will see someone not trying to manipulate us, but someone needing help coping and someone who is learning. This isn't personal about you, it's personal for them!
Once you think about it being personal for them you remove your judgment. How many times was something a big deal for you? It made you legitimately sad/mad/frustrated and you needed someone else to work you through it...or you needed time to think about it and come to a certain conclusion? Why wouldn't life be the same for a child? We realize that dropping a toy, having something break or not being able to turn a toy on is not life altering, but by being empathetic, we can see why it might be for our children...that's the point!! Seeing it from their side and treating them as such...not saying "get over it", "relax it's not a big deal" etc..think of someone saying that to you over your big deal...it makes you more upset! Giving your child the words that he or she may need to get through it helps tremendously. "I am mad", "I am upset", "I am frustrated with this toy!" "Why won't it go on!" helps your child learn how to express their feelings, but most importantly, that you accept them in their emotion...that's what they truly need!
Our children need us the most when they are experiencing something confusing or different. This isn't to say that we give in to their needs, it's that we see it from their perspective and respond accordingly. Remember, it's the perception that drives our interactions from "don't be silly" to "I see why this is making you upset...let me help you with these feelings." Totally different reaction~
This is why nighttime needs are equally important as daytime needs. Think of a world that is dark, lonely and confusing. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and found that you couldn't go back to sleep? You were able to grab a book, turn on the TV or find another way to fall back asleep. Our children need us! We will get into sleep and behaviors when we examine the AP principle for safe sleep. For now, we will only briefly talk about it as a means of being responsive to your child's needs. Imagine a relationship that wouldn't be there for you between the hours of 9pm and 6am, but you really needed that person because you weren't able to take care of yourself. Scary right! New research has found that crying it out is damaging to an infant's brain.
It's not just about responding to their needs, it's also about being available, being warm, being calm and interactive. This is not as easy as it used to be when you have Facebook, emails, text messaging, etc.. readily accessible and it's something we are all guilty of doing. The important thing is to find that balance. Put it down. Try to wait until the baby is napping. Make sure you are providing ample opportunities for interaction and play, especially as your little one makes eye contact with you. As you do this, he or she will learn to chat back and value you as someone that will take care of them, make time for them and respond to their invitation to interact. (This post took me a week to write simply because my girl wasn't napping and she wanted to play...and so did I!)
Research has shown that the facial expressions and voice of a nurturing mother has a direct impact on the developing brain of an infant and directly impacts the first 3 years of life!
Teaching empathy in your children is crucial for them to learn how to make decisions that will not hurt themselves or others AND will keep them away from making decisions based on peer pressure. Gordon Neufield has an amazing book, Hold on To Your Kids, that examines this very phenomena.
So, what do I do?
1) Let's first do away with the idea of "self soothing", as a skill that our child is to learn on their own by being left alone. Strike that from the memory banks and ignore that when you are told by well meaning family members. Infants and babies do not know how to self soothe. They are born totally and completely dependent on you. Dr. David Sack writes, "Studies show that children have a greater capacity for empathy when their own emotional needs are met at home"and provides a few examples on teaching and raising your kids to be empathetic, including using words to label feelings, modeling empathy
Attachment theory is driven by the notion that a baby will learn by the way he or she is treated. When they need you, you respond. Your response to that need will start to create an understanding and your child will start to learn from you and your response to them. That is, if your response is anger when they feel frustrated they will learn to cope with anger...if your response is understanding, then they will learn how to cope with understanding.
Let's look at this example:
A thunderstorm rolls in and is loud. Lightening is striking, wind is picking up and you are starting to worry about the lights going out. You look over and your toddler is looking out of the window, pointing and looking at you. What is she doing? She is trying to learn and figure out if she is ok and how she should handle this situation. Lightening strikes and you scream, your toddler will be following suite. If you try to calm down and talk to her about what she is seeing, she will be calm, she may want to be picked up and held...this closeness will help her feel safe, your words and tone of voice will teach her.
Another one?
You are tired and worked all day long. You pick your child up from daycare and rush to the food store to get food for dinner. Your child is grabbing food items off of the shelves and you put him in the cart swiftly while you continue shopping...maybe answering a few texts while you wait in line. Your child pitches a "fit". Crying, yelling, throwing something in his hand. Your reaction? You can meet him with your immediate emotional response of frustration, often saying something like "stop it right now or we are leaving", yet you can think about his perspective. Empathy. He missed you all day. When you picked him up he was hoping to go home and play a game with you, but you were in a hurry. He wanted to interact with you but you were busy in the store, distracted and distant. He is hungry and bored. Your understanding of how he feels can drive your reaction. So you can meet him there. "I know you are tired and want to go home. You feel frustrated....". You aren't giving him candy to keep him quiet, your showing him that you are almost done, maybe coming up with a game to help keep him involved -> "You want to go home? Ok, let's get all of these things on the belt so we can get going!".
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2) The other notion that needs to be erased from memory is this notion of "spoiling". You cannot spoil a child with love and attention. You can spoil a child with material things, with inappropriate responses with trying to appease a tantrum.
There is a cultural fear of a child being too spoiled, meaning that he will be clingy or will need you too much. Clingy is a behavior that a child uses in order to express a need for closeness to you. If a child is provided with ample opportunities for closeness, they will not have the need to cling to you. However, there are developmentally appropriate times that a child should look to you for physical comfort. Perhaps your child is sick. Maybe you are in an unfamiliar place, it's loud or very crowded and your child feels overwhelmed. The fact that your child needs you too much is true! Your child does need you! Their emotional regulating systems are not mature until they are older and some sources say this only begins to develop around 2 years and continues developing until the 6th year.
Bottom line, hold your children. Hold them when they are happy, sad, mad, frustrated, hurt...hold them when they come to you...whenever they come to you. Recognize that they are coming to YOU!
3) While on the topic of "spoiling" and "self soothing"...my last pet peeve word is the word "fussy". This word rubs me the wrong way! It implies something negative or something is wrong. It immediately makes you view the baby as being a "high needs" baby. There are "high needs" babies, they are all high needs in their own way, but a baby that needs more attention should get just that...more attention. More love, more snuggling. Colic, reflux, these are very stressful and very trying for parents, imagine how the baby feels? They came from a perfectly regulated and consistent environment as far as sound, light, temperature, touch, with constant nutrition. They entered a very different world and our babies need time to figure it out.
Think of the message you send when you do not respond to your child's needs, especially when they need you the most! If you have a child that has exceptionally high needs and you are feeling overwhelmed, please seek help from your family or friends. Those are real emotions you are feeling and you must pay close attention to them!
Dr. Markham discusses this idea of a child feeling unconnected to their parent during an act of defiance, this should be signaled as a need for connection not discipline..meaning that when your child directly acts out against you, they are not feeling connected to you...You can choose to drive that connection further away with punishment or try to help sort through some difficult emotions.
Do not..spank your child. Don't do it. Violence begets violence. We need to do our part to teach our children how to solve a problem or conflict peacefully, not through any act of violence.
Punishment, shaming, spanking, time-outs are all methods of disciplining a child negatively with the hope that you can make the child act or behave during adult-preferred activities. This usually doesn't last long and often requires frequent punishments, threats and consequences. Relationships do not thrive in this manner. They can't. The decisions that a child should make should be for that of himself and should be driven by himself. Check out this article on parenting for peace using nonviolent communication for more ideas!
One great idea was the concept of the time-in. You recognize that your child is struggling and you gently guide them towards a more positive goal. Your child continues to struggle and you call a time-in or a meeting on the couch. "I can see you are having a hard time. Let's go meet on the couch and talk". Sitting on the couch together or calling a time-in ensures physical contact and sends the message that you are going to help your child sort through some tough and confusing emotions. Here is API's improved timeout as a positive strategy. You can start to see the difference in your language and approach and how it impacts your child's ability to handle their emotions.
5) The parenting practice of pressuring your child bothers me to my core. Parents, in their best efforts, resort to pressuring their child to comply. Just a word of caution with this style of parenting that uses bribes, incentives and pressure...think about what you are teaching your child. Think about the ways your child is learning to set aside their independent feelings and feeling compelled to fulfill your needs for some sort of incentive. Now think about that skill in high school, with a peer using peer pressure...doesn't make for a very good start. Respect what your child is telling you. Mayim Bialik talks about this at length in her book, Beyond the Sling, and discusses thinking "Why not?" before responding "no". Think about it, most of the time, unless it is a safety issue or a complete no-brainer, we are apt to respond "no" for the inconvenience of it. Why not play with that toy, why not take that out...most of the time it's because we as parents do not want to deal with it, but we need to think about helping our children through it...Maybe setting a limit to a noisy toy or having your child play with it shortly before helping set the table for dinner.
6) Don't just think that skin to skin contact is something that was only necessary for your infant! This will be discussed at length in the next blog post about using a nurturing touch. Kind physical contact during a tantrum or when your child is upset is what they need. Don't leave them alone when these feelings are strong, they need you to learn how to cope.
7) Teach emotions. Use language that covers a variety of feelings and don't stick with the "mad, sad, happy". The more you teach a feeling word in the moment, the more those feelings will make sense. Encourage your child to tell you "I am frustrated because he won't share!", "I am disappointed that this is broken!" etc...
8) PLAY. Let your kids have unstructured PLAY. Allow them the opportunity to figure things out for themselves. Play with them. This doesn't mean tell them what to do. Let them explore and learn as they play. Allow them to make mistakes. This is HUGE! If you give them the opportunity to make mistakes, obviously not ones that put them in any danger, they will learn how to problem solve, fix it and cope with their emotions. The best way to do it is through play! We live in a very scary world where kids do not have the time or chance to play. Make the time to connect and play together!
