She has been raised with love and empathy...her whole 16 months of life...so naturally her responses to her world are pure, in the moment and not changed by anyone. So it came as a sweet surprise when she started experiencing strong emotions. Strong feelings that led to "tantrums" or arching her back, crying, throwing something in her hand etc... What was truly interesting though, was how she would come to me immediately and ask to be picked up. "UP UP MOMMA" with a very concerned look in her eyes. I would quickly scoop her up and start saying "You must be feeling frustrated that the toy won't work. Let Momma help you figure it out"...and as I say any of those words, she is usually getting into position to nurse as she requests "me me" (her word for nursing). Tantrum over. Problem solved. She finishes nursing, gives me a kiss and goes right back to where she left off. We talk about it and I can show her how to resolve the problem without any tears. MAGIC!?
I don't know if I would have been able to "think" about it in the moment as quickly as she knew what to do. The first time it happened I literally said, "OK" as if I would have handled it differently. The second time, it took me by surprise as I thought, "I see what's happening here!" and by the third, my poor little girl's mother finally "got" with the program..."ABSOLUTELY!" She is coming to me! She is needing me!! I am actually teaching her to rely on me to help her through feelings that she is upset by, confused with or not liking! OH MY GOD!!!!!
Isn't this what it is all about!? Isn't this why we are "parenting this way" or we find ourselves having to justify what we are doing...isn't this the moment that proves it to yourself!?
The lesson she is learning from me....is so invaluable. I accept you for all of you. I love you for all of you.
These moments, that seem to occur more and more, are amazing moments to teach her what her feelings are, to value and listen to her emotions, TO COME TO ME with them, to go to her father, how to handle them and how much I love and accept her. She even goes to the dogs to ask them for a kiss as she rubs the spot on her head that she bumped.
You can literally feel how it is a pivotal point in our relationship...a moment that can either solidify our bond or begin to drive it apart. Sure it's hard. I am tired. There could be more kids involved in the mix...it's not always convenient...but it's my girl. My little lady is telling me something and thank GOD she doesn't give me any time to think. By the time she is upset she is already in my arms asking for "me me me". How wonderful! I can't imagine it any other way and I wouldn't want to! I cry when I hear parents telling their child, "it's not a big deal", "suck it up", "man up"..even "it's fine!"
It's obviously NOT fine! Ever have a person tell you that in the middle of a cry fest? Did those words EVER help? It usually made me cry more...out of frustration that the person I am crying to isn't "getting it"...isn't getting me..I can't have that! When she thinks it's a big deal..it is a big deal. In her world...it is huge! Why do I need to trivialize something when it's not about me...it's about her..in this moment...I can help her...I can show her!
This is another reason why we cannot place our emotions on our children's emotions. Saying things like "she's really fussy" today doesn't show that you are understanding her feelings. Saying "she is sad today" helps open the door to empathy. Remember the saying, "My child is not giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time". See. It's all a matter of your perspective and your ability to check your emotions.
A great example was the other morning...She was playing with a toy and I was watching her try so hard to figure it out. She was so close and I was silently rooting her on....She gave up...but not before throwing it down and immediately looking for me. In that moment, I was able to help her identify her emotions. "Momma, I am mad. That was hard! I need help!". We walked over together and I encouraged her to hand the toy to me. I praised her for handing it to me nicely instead of focusing on anything else. I showed her how to open the toy and turn it on; I quickly reset it back and handed it to her and encouraged her to try. She was successful, happy and went on to play. That interaction could have taken a negative turn if I focused solely on the fact that she threw the toy. Some parents choose to focus on the end result and punish the behavior....but she came to me and she was clear in how she was feeling. Totally different outcome. Totally different behavior and a very happy child.
The idea of physical contact is huge here. When she gets upset, frustrated, scared she comes to me. My husband and I laugh because it looks like I am "home base" and it is so wonderful! We maintain the physical contact, reassure her and help her through the moment. We usually get a few kisses and tell her that we love her. We are accepting her even if she isn't reflecting back what we want or need.
One great idea that we have tried is the idea of the "meet on the couch". It's the opposite of "time out" and is more like "time in" together. We meet on the couch together, make contact, sometimes nurse, but always talk through emotions. It's a great time to calm down together. It gives me the time I need to gather my emotions and to check in with her. I like to think of it as an opportunity to re-connect and reassure her. We can take that time to give her some of the language that she can use in the moment. How great is it to be able to provide your child with the tools needed to resolve a conflict and problem solve a situation?! "Time in" together and "meeting on the couch" is another great way to give a toy a break. Especially if it is a toy that is being fought over or misused. Your lessons will speak volumes during these moments rather than the "traditional" way of scolding the child, making them feel as if they are a nuisance or sending them off with emotions that they aren't sure of. The behavior is the end result of a problem, it signals that the child opted to behave a certain way because they were unsure of how to handle it and were unsure of their feelings. This moment can be recognized by the parent as an opportunity to connect and teach coping skills rather than sending them away to deal with these confusing emotions alone.
Think about it.
Another great idea posed by Mayim Bialik was the concept of "why not". Before you jump in to say "no" think "why not". MOST of the time, your quick response was because you didn't want to be bothered with the clean up or you already know they outcome...but why not let them discover it themselves? OBVIOUSLY, if it is a safety or health issue then you wouldn't...but this has helped tremendously as I watch my little girl figure it out, make her own decision and come to her own conclusion. WHAT A POWERFUL LESSON!
This is a journey for us...but I am learning so much more about myself by following my little girl's lead...why not!
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