 |
| from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/control |
Why does our culture feel that we need to control our children. There are times that I can't be around certain parents. I can't tell if they are directing a movie or an aerobics class with their constant directives, "move here, stand over there, watch out, sit down, go over there" and forget about the constant policing. There is no opportunity for our children to make their own decisions...to see if something is a good idea or a bad idea on their own. That is so crucial to their development. I don't want Took having my voice in her head or to make decisions based on me.. I want Took to have her own voice in her head, her own convictions and her own ability to know if something is dangerous. She will get into more trouble if she is so used to somebody else telling her what is right or wrong.
It makes no sense.
"Obedient children grow into obedient adults. They're less likely to stand up for themselves, more likely to be taken advantage of. They're also capable of terrible acts, because they don't take responsibility for their actions; they blame whoever told them to do it." AHA Parenting GENIUS
The control that people seek is the very thing that drives our children away. Parents feel that their parenting skills are judged based on how your child listens to you...and they are probably right...why do we have this culture that does this? Why wouldn't we see the child for who he or she really is? A human being that hasn't experienced something right?
Aside from not being able to make decisions for themselves...my biggest concern is being "trained" or taught by your parents that your opinion, your feelings, your thoughts or you are not important, especially if it doesn't jive with the mood of the dominate figure....Does this not sound like the perfect storm for bullying? "DO what I say and I don't care how you feel or what you think about it, because your role in life is to listen to me!" NO THANK YOU!
I am not saying that your child isn't supposed to "listen to you"...obviously we are here to teach our children, but how do we expect to raise confident and caring children if we trade in their emotions and spirit? AHA Parenting is an amazing resource with a lot of great ideas. Check them out and see her many brilliant ideas!
The main point is to allow your child to be heard...that doesn't mean that your child gets his or her way. It means that you understand why they want to do something. Your response will be more empathetic and will signal that you value their opinion. Most of my responses to my daughter's tantrums are opportunities for her to tell me what she wants. There are times that she does get her way because it is appropriate...for example, when she wants to drop down to the ground in the middle of the parking lot. It's just not safe...but I tell her that. There is a different meaning behind, "This isn't safe so I am moving you to a safe place for you to tell me how you feel" and becoming mad and angry.
There are other times where it is appropriate to hear them out... If I say "it's time to eat!!", a tantrum that follows could mean 'put your toys down and stop your fun!', but, it could also mean, "I am not hungry right now!". Imagine a world where your food came out at the same exact time every day, regardless of being hungry..and if you didn't eat, it didn't come out and IF you had the nerve to balk, you were left alone...ignored...confusing? I take her tantrum as her way of communicating something to me. It opens up opportunities of discussion and isn't that what we want? As parents? For your child to come to you when they are feeling strong emotions...when they really need you?
Allow your child to say "no" or that they don't like something. You don't need to get so hung up on "please", "thank you" and "sorry"...those are wasted words that kids don't genuinely mean. I want my daughter to learn to express herself freely, they will surprise you with their sweetness. Think about it. How many times have you seen your child ask for a cookie with a very sweet and genuine disposition...and the second you put that pressure on them to say "please" it all changes...Now you have a grumpy child who thinks they have to jump through hoops when they were really sweet already. As adults, we like these words and think that "manners" are things that all kids should have...but I challenge you to forget it when they are young..They will pick it up, they will learn it and they can do so at a time when they are open to following it from your lead...but not during that moment when they are already genuine.
Allow them to say "no". You can always encourage and teach your child how to do so appropriately, however they should be allowed to say that they don't like or want to do something. Sometimes, it could be a choice, other times it isn't...but you can come to those conclusions together....and doesn't that make more sense then "because I said so".
Meet on the couch. Teach your child how to express their emotions, how to be themselves and if they are having a hard time...that they can come to you! We don't need little monkeys obeying our every word. We need to show our children that they can be children and that we can work together. See the world from their eyes and approach them from their perspective. You will teach empathy and caring by giving them empathy and caring..
You want control? By a television or an RC car!
