Fear is useless

I am usually not a "bible quoting" person, although I love and respect all religions and would welcome any quote that can be used to support us parents...but I came across this and thought "IT'S PERFECT!!". Parenting based on fear, out of fear and instilling fear is USELESS!!! Parenting by trusting yourself, instilling trust in your children is POWERFUL!!

Think about it

Parenting out of fear of following your heart or the way you truly want to parent will limit you. It will confine you and consume you. You are afraid and our child will be afraid. I was afraid to follow my instincts in the beginning. I knew I didn't want to "force" anything on my little girl, especially sleeping in her crib, but I was afraid..."Will she ever want to sleep on her own?", "I don't want to start bad habits", "Will she rely on me forever to fall asleep?"and so on and so on...but the real doozy of my fear...going against the norm, especially the norm of my family...Can I "break" away from the way EVERYONE has parented and the advice that I have been given...I did...and everyone in my family comments on how my Took is so different than other kids, so social, so connected, confident, happy, smart....so yes...I trusted myself and trusted our instincts. I trusted the information I read as I was researching AP principles and knew in my heart that it was the best decision for our family.

Parenting to instill fear does NOT WORK. EVER. PERIOD. It does NOT foster relationships. It does NOT promote a healthy attachment and does not encourage the child to feel connected. Even worse, hitting and spanking. Just don't do it. Don't consider it. If you get to that point leave the room. Remember that it does not do anything for the child, aside from hurt, scare and push them away from you. We will get into this more...but in the meantime...if you don't believe me, read this: hitting your kids increases their risk of mental illness! That is what AP is truly about. Feeling connected, as a unit, as a family.

 Save the Children and Just West of Crunchy

The Dangers of Baby Training

We will get into discipline and using a nurturing later on when we talk about that principle in attachment parenting. For now..where did we lose trust in ourselves as parents?

Why is it ok that we use fear of "how the baby will rely on us" as a threat to follow your heart? We want the baby to rely on us....for comfort, for security, for love, for closeness. Isn't that what we all want..isn't that what we all want to teach our children? That they can feel love and secure and that we can provide that for them? It is ok to change your perspective as you explore your journey as a parent. You can already be a parent, but have a different type of child. That is ok, changing and evolving is perfectly normal! We are always afraid to be different, or to change our perspective and philosophy....but that is the way it should be! Each child is different, why would our parenting be a cookie-cutter version of the same throughout generations? The parents would know and lead from their heart...and that is trust.  <3

AP Principle 1: Prepare Yourself For Pregnancy

To "prep" for pregnancy you need to prepare your mind, body, and home for your new arrival....but how? What do you need? What will it be like? Where do I start? If you are anything like me...prior to anything AP, you hit the internet and spoke to family and friends. You registered at a popular baby store and followed their  overwhelming extensive list to a "T" and bleeped that little hand gun at everything you could find. You worried about what to eat, but had your handy book to tell you what you could inhale and shove into your face....you worried about the future of your child, and were ready to enjoy the ride....or hold on with both hands on the roller coaster of your life...either way...it was going to happen!

Maintain a healthy, active and calm lifestyle
Some of the points outlined in Attached At The Heart promote healthy eating, exercise, meditation and a positive attitude for a successful pregnancy and delivery.  Research has concluded that maintaining a healthy, active and calm lifestyle during your pregnancy leads to a better birth, and calmer and healthier baby. It's hard to remain positive in your third trimester...trust me...I know...but it is so important to your health and the health of your child. Staying positive and calm, eating right and exercising are highly recommended and supported by various health professionals. Not buying it yet?

"...Our era has been called the age of anxiety. Anxiety causes an overproduction of the hormones adrenaline and cortisol, suppressing important biological functions in order to shift energy into muscle systems. Anxiety suppresses immune system function, but childbirth meditation brings adrenaline and cortisol levels down, restoring normal immune function for birth. Meditation strengthens the immune system with major hormones, melatonin and DHEA, to give a vital basis for life and to cope with the side effects of medical birth...."

Calm Birth

Plan for your labor, know about delivery
Think about the type of experience you want early on. Decide whether you want a hospital birth or a Home Birth. If you choose to give birth at a hospital, familiarize yourself with the Mother Friendly Hospital Initiative and UNICEF's Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative. Consider whether you want a doctor or midwife. Check this out to help you in choosing a midwife if you should decide to have a midwife assist your labor and delivery.

Look into your local birthing centers and familiarize yourself with all of the options, ruling out each one...it's better to be informed and to know what choices you have and how you can take control of your labor and birth! Look into hypnobirthing or the 12 different ways to give birth. The most important "theme" or thread that is true of AP...don't just assume that the way your grandmother, mother, sister, cousin or friend birthed is the only way. Don't just assume that their is a standard or routine way to give birth. Each person is unique, their needs unique, so why wouldn't your birth be as well?

Take your local childbirth education class!! So many people do not go to this and it is a great way to familiarize yourself with labor delivery and baby care. It is also a great way to initiate conversation with your significant other or birth partner. Do not wait until your third trimester to consider these and don't wait for your doctor to initiate the conversation...some do and some do not! So many people balk or laugh at the idea of the "birth plan"and I understand their thinking...I sort of do...but it helped me stay on track and helped my husband and I remember what was most important. Now, being exposed to AP principles and so many amazing women....I know more about different techniques and plan to utilize more in the future.

Read about c-sections and what typically leads to them. Discuss these concerns with your doctor or birthing partner. Know the effects that pitocin has on your labor and the increased likelihood of a c-section.If you had a c-section with a previous pregnancy, research what you need to know about a VBAC. If it is something you want to try discuss this with your doctor right away.

Familiarize yourself with different labor positions (more on labor positions) and research how important an active labor is for your experience and delivery. Familiarize yourself with ways to check dilation without an internal. Know what labor pains are and what they do to help your delivery. 

Accept that primal instincts take over in your labor and that is a good thing. Trust yourself. Know that you are able to do this and eliminate FEAR. Cross it off your list: I am afraid. Do not have anyone around you that is afraid or spreads fear:

"...during labor the part of the brain that produces all of these hormones is the primal part of the brain, the part of the brain that exists in all mammals. Because we are human, we spend a good portion of our time in the neo-cortex, which is the thinking part of the brain. The work of labor is about moving from the neo-cortex to the primal part of the brain. The reason why childbirth is often seen as such a struggle is because so many people don’t understand how to facilitate this action. The things that interfere with this action are induction, epidurals, lights, talking, sounds, lack of privacy and fear. When a woman is allowed to go into labor on her own, allowed to follow her own body’s natural rhythms, given the privacy and space to let labor unfold, not asked questions or be attached to any type of machine that makes a noise, and supported and nurtured in the process, the amount of pain is already reduced by a large amount and any pain that she experiences is taken care of by the important hormone cocktail..."Trust Yourself: Birth and the Purpose of Pain

Research any and all points that you are unsure of. I promise you, you will become empowered to take control and have an active part in your delivery prior to going into labor.

Exercise

Get moving! Get moving during your pregnancy and labor. Exercise does wonders to alleviate many pregnancy symptoms including back pain and sleep! It also creates a healthy environment for a more healthy baby!

Learn about breastfeeding
We will cover breastfeeding in length in a separate post...in the meantime, prepare for feeding by researching and reading about breastfeeding. MOST importantly, know the booby traps and connect yourself with your local La Leche League for support. Know that you can do it and do not get frustrated. You have online resources: Kelly Mom, The Leaky Boob and several Facebook pages to follow: Lakeshore Medical Breastfeeding Clinic, Best For Babes Foundation, and Black Breastfeeding 360. AAP's recommendations to find a breastfeeding-friendly doctor is another useful tool for you as you explore the start of this very important relationship.

Be ready for the most common booby trap- the push to supplement with formula too soon. Be sure to discuss this with your new pediatrician. This was something I was prepared for when Took was born. She lost a few ounces, which I new was normal, and was told that I should start to consider formula. NO!! 

Want your socks knocked off? Check out this video of breastcrawl, the baby instinctually knows what to do and so do you!!! 

Become familiar with the benefits of skin to skin
There are countless pieces of information and research about the importance and benefits of skin to skin contact for the mother, father and baby. This has been proven to regulate body temperature, digestion, heart rate and not to mention bonding. This is a wonderful thing that dads can do too!

Be aware of other decisions that you will have to make

AAP's list of pre-natal decisions to make will be a valuable site to visit. Discuss the necessity ofcircumcision  and be aware of the ongoing debate between medical necessity, religious belief or social misconception. This is another topic that should be discussed with your significant other and pediatrician prior to the birth of your child. ReviewThe American Academy of Pediatrics stance on circumcision.

Familiarize yourself with vaccines
This is another hot topic. Discuss your feelings and do your homework on whether you vaccinate or not. If you choose to vaccinate, familiarize yourself with the vaccination schedule and talk to your pediatrician about any concerns you have. 

vaccines

Prepare your home for your little one
This is interesting because we prepared our home prior to practicing Attachment Parenting. In hindsight, we wouldn't have had to stress over her nursery, her crib or any bouncy seat. She spent the majority of her newborn days in our arms, nursing and in a carrier. She sleeps in our bed and occasionally in her crib, that will change one day. Prepare your home any way you are comfortable with, but know that things can change...that it's a good thing...that all your baby really needs is what you can physically provide them with, comfort, cuddles, kisses, milk and love. They don't need a ton of things and toys. They need you and they need to know that you can be there for them whenever they call on you...sometimes just because <3

It's a good time for reflection
This is a good time to reflect on your experiences growing up and the experiences of your significant other. It's also time to let go of any preconceived notions or any ideas that you thought you had. Let your heart lead you, let your instincts tell you what to do...ignore advice that does not "jive" with you and never feel like you "have to" do anything with your child. Familiarize yourself with the principles of Attachment Parenting and meditate on: "I AM DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR MY FAMILY" over and over and over. <3

If you are knowledgeable and comfortable, you will be confident and powerful!

Check that Expectation

THANK YOU ANNEKE AT The Dangers of Baby Training

This is most likely the single most important concept for me. The reminder that our children are biologically meant to respond to, demand, cry and need his or her parents on a consistent basis. They are hardwired from a millennia ago to be the same mammal, or human being that their ancestors were. Babies are born with the expectation that their needs will met because they are not able to do so on their own. The expectation or cultural shift that has been occurring in the last few decades have not changed the instinctual needs of our young. They have not changed. Their wants have not changed. Our perception of their wants and needs have changed and our expectation of creating these little minions to meet our needs is not only ridiculous, but negates the very biological nature of mankind!

"How do the forces that put him together in advance know what a human will need? The secret is experience. The chain of experience that prepares a human being for his time on earth begins with the adventures of the first single-celled unit of living matter.  What is experienced in the way of temperature, the composition of its surroundings, available nourishment to fuel its activities, weather changes, and bumpings into other objects or members of its own species was passed on to its descendants...."(Liedloff-Continuum Concept)

Think about it...what does your baby need? Food, comfort, warmth, love, protection....How else will a baby get this without letting us know that they need it? We are designed to fall in love with the infant and instinctually attach to them at birth so that we will take care of them...wouldn't this expectation be the case for the way we are instinctually designed to take of them from birth onward? Check this out: A Mother's Kiss

TELL ME THAT THAT ISN'T AMAZING! We have a release of oxytocin, which shows that we are instinctually responsive to our young!

Isn't this the way we have evolved as mammals? Look at the way other mammals care for their young. Contact, sleeping together, nursing....it's fascinating! When you break it down and think of us as bundles of instincts passed down through hundreds of thousands of years, mammals and their young....would they consider crying it out? Would they consider making the baby deal with their needs when it was scheduled or more appropriate from the family? NO WAY! All Animals Respond to Their Young  and Animal Mothers Love Their Babes

Once you peel away the societal expectations of how you are "supposed" to care for your child and you stop to think about the "advice" that has been mis-guided from the last few generations...you start to see that it is in fact mis-guided. The way that our children are meant to experience their world has shifted because of convenience and a change in the ideals of Western society. Mothers were meant to sleep with their young as a means of protection and proximity...granted...the threat of my child in Connecticut is much smaller than that of the child in the Amazon...the instinctual need for safety is still there...the psychobiological desire for both mother and child still exists. 

"Anthropologists link the objections to an increasing sense of individualism in Western society. Whereas the parent-child relationship was once seen as foundational to a family, the spouse-spouse relationship is now prioritised. Along with the fairly modern concept of privacy, and American-stressed values of independence and self-reliance, the model of sleep began to shift to allow parents their own sleeping space. Children were encouraged to "self-soothe" and follow adult (monophasic) sleep patterns, despite infants being wired for polyphasic sleep."

Psychological Benefits of Cosleeping: How Bedsharing Emotionally Impacts Mothers and Babies

We will dive into each principle of Attachment Parenting at a later date...the purpose of this "rant" is to try to shift the mindset of our culture. This is indeed NOT a new trend or a NEW way of doing things...this is in fact returning to our original place in life, our original purpose. Once we are able to change the initial gut reaction of the public to listen, to not judge instantly, then we can move away from the name-calling-Mommy-Wars and further away from the negative terms like "spoiling"...We can move on to coming to a consensus for the benefit of our children, our world.

It may not be for everyone, but it certainly should not be denied or ignored. I am the first one to preach choices and the first one to respect ALL choices, however, the implications of such choices should be considered and at the very least, acknowledged. You may not choose to raise your child in this manner, you may not agree, but you can also not ignore the premise of mammalian instinct and desire to do the best that you do for your child. 

Preconceived Ideas

What were your thoughts on gentle parenting or evolutionary parenting prior to learning about it?

What were you happy to find out as you explored AP?

Our AP'ing Family

The family that is bonded together stays together

Just another normal night in our home. My husband cannot get enough love and kisses from Took and I cannot get enough of them. Whoever said that a dad cannot bond with a nursing child never experienced a moment like this. 

We started out as high school sweethearts at the age of 15. Fast forward 10 years and we were married, in love, traveling and loving our life. I had set ideas on how you should parent. You know, the standard, all parents leave their babies in the crib and the baby will cry themselves to sleep because that is what babies do. I CRINGE when I hear myself saying that over and over...as if I am rehearsing for a role that I would have in the future. As many times as I have said that sentence...it never really sat right, but I brushed it aside and figured that I would deal with it when I needed to deal with it. 

Well....we were in a position to deal with it...and you know what...we didn't want to do any of those "standards". We were faced with all of the things people have said to us, "Don't hold her all day. You will spoil her", "Put that baby down or she will expect to be held all day long", "Oh good luck breastfeeding...that never worked for me!", "Co-sleeper? Yeah ok! Better make that transition to her room soon!" and so on and so on...We are pretty laid back by nature...but expert parents we were not. We tried to find a balance between holding our baby girl all of the time and not spoiling her, yet it never felt like spoiling...how exactly do you "spoil"? We tried to find a fair balance sleep routines that met her needs, "taught her to sleep" and didn't require her to need to nurse to sleep...but it never really worked. It never felt natural...never felt right...and we tried...where our bedtime routine started an hour and a half earlier than her bedtime and it was met with sweating, crying and frustration on all 3 of our parts...not really the "learning" we wanted for our daughter. 

I used my Ergo carrier when I went shopping and never noticed anyone "wearing" their baby. I used it whenever I had things to do around the house, but broke into a sweat that I hoped I wasn't "screwing her up". Let's be honest...isn't it all of our intentions to not screw up our kids? I am not saying that if you don't practice what I preach then you are screwing up your kid...I am saying that I didn't want to screw up my child within our relationship and our family...but the weight of the world on my parenting practices and decisions...I quietly slipped on my baby carrier and went about my business...

I came across the concept of attachment parenting from an online group I was participating in and never heard of it. Is it possible that there is something different than the "norm"? Could it be that there is something out there for me? I read the "Continuum Concept" which changed the course of all 3 of our lives for the better. I realized then...that parenting from my instincts to meet the needs of my baby, who is reacting based on her instincts, was a more natural approach for our family. Peace.Quiet.Tranquility. Those were three things that were not happening and all of a sudden did. Peace, quiet and tranquility within me, my heart, my parenting, my daughter. All was right in our world. I proudly used my carrier for my daily errands and noticed more and more moms, who were probably there all along...but I was enlightened so come with me on this one, wearing their babes and I slowly entered into this new phase in my parenting from nervous-wreck-of-a-FTM to confident-semi-crunchy-evolutionary-calm-mommy and it's grande! 

Introduction Blurb

Here we are...My Tookie and I. Our journey didn't start at with Attachment Parenting (AP). I wish it did....it would have saved us from a lot of confusion and frustration. Thank GOD we have a very patient and sweet little girl who dealt with Rookie parents. This is a blog about our journey through AP...our discovery of a concept, our discovery of ourselves, and our bond with our daughter. This blog has been set up as a place that is safe for all parents to talk about the principles of AP as it relates to them. It is a place of respect, positive encouragement and values and everything "AP". I ask that those participating keep and maintain the values and principles of AP and keep this a community of respect and love, we all want what is best for our children and we all do what is best in our heart...for us it is Attachment. 

Everything expressed here is meant to help families navigate their way through the 8 principles outlined in "Attached at The Heart" and the philosophy of AP as it relates to my family. Please do not take this blog as a representation of AP as it is meant by Dr. Sears or any other professional....it is me....it is my family and our AP  <3